Aviator

INTERNET IS PRECIOUS

2010-03-02T17:37:00.003+08:00

i am finding my feet!

http://pilotsamurai.wordpress.com

moving soon

2009-11-20T17:47:00.006+08:00

i'll be moving blog site soon, i've already got the blog up and finally decided on my url. i'm amazed at the sheer number of inactive blogs out there, hogging all the nice urls. haha.

i thought maybe a new blog will bring about a new writing style and focus. it's a maybe.

anyway, ohmyfoo has been with me for 5 years now, it's been through numerous template changes, from scrolling to boxed versions, from plain-themed to angsty dark, it is about time i move on to something more mature.

blogging has improved my thought process? i'd like to think so. especially so for the moments when i'm penning down a post, i get so contemplative. stringing thoughts together used to be darn difficult. if you read my first entry here, you'd discover a hopeless writer haha, still figuring out how to better convert emotions and experiences into words. damn hilarious.

its nostalgic yup, and i don't regret starting a blog. most of my male friends have never tried. some did, then stopped along the way. i probably won't stop, especially when i'm leaving for my studies soon. it'll be a way for my family and friends here to keep track of me. also, it can be really satisfying years down the road when i decide to read back my posts and recall my time studying in australia, coupled with photos and new friendships. thats another reason for the change.

about studying overseas, i'm definitely excited already, yet bittersweet is probably the only way to describe my thoughts, as cliche as it sounds. i'm leaving behind so much. the physical detachment from homeland is definitely going to draw me further from existing friends. the gap of physical proximity with close friends and family is surely going to leave me homesick for the first weeks. i can see it coming. i also have to take care of my own domestic issues, no one will be there to wash and iron my clothes, push me to eat healthy and study hard. going astray will be bloody easy.

4 years is not short. i've been through so much shit in the army and its only almost a year.. hopefully, i pick up momentum quick and get used to the lifestyle there, maybe time will fly then.

if you don't already know, i'm studying at UNSW@ADFA, which basically is a military school on top of being a university. click the link for more details.
_______

i'm off to brunei next monday. afterwhich, i don't ever have to touch my army gear anymore. how BOOMZ is that man.

hide and seek

2009-11-09T02:06:00.005+08:00

i just watched chelsea beat man utd and it was a pretty upbeat match for a neutral. high tension games are always fun to watch. arsenal's match this week was a thrashing but they didn't quite play their usual entertaining football, so i was kinda disappointed. but, at least they moved up to 2nd place :)

i spent an entire 5 days in ocs the past week, which was weird for me since i haven't done that in a long time. like i said before, once i had that taste of outside life, i haven't quite looked back. it's the whole nature of it anyway. it's like i'm in ocs yet i'm not. i don't mind being on course and staying in actually, like with delta and air wing previously, but those were good times because i had friends to share the joys and toils with. the stories just stay in your head as perfect memories.

now, it's just me doing pointless physical training, with no one doing it with me. there are companions actually, but they happen to all be officers. it isn't a problem with me, but you know i happen to be a cadet, in ocs. so the treatment i get is definitely different. if you're an officer in ocs, you're basically god, if you're a cadet like me, you end up at the other end of the social stratum. really deep down in the pits. especially when i haven't marched in a long time, the idea of marching from place to place just stinks :(

anyway, i've kind of gotten used to it already since its 5 weeks in. 2 more weeks and i'll be out of the hellhole forever! well i hope at least.

this week saw a huge misunderstanding finally resolved. if you're reading this chel, i'm really sorry for being lousy and stuff, i don't know whats gotten into me. thanks for taking the initiative cos at that moment, i wouldn't have done anything like that myself. i'm just lousyy. i should really try to be less of a lousy person.

note to myself: tomorrow i shall delete garena and dota from this laptop and rid myself of a persistent plague. i'm literally destroying my life.

______

yesterday, or 3 hours ago, was my sister's birthday! HAPPY 17TH JOY FOO :D

adam&eve

2009-10-29T00:55:00.002+08:00

i realise i may come across as an enigma sometimes because i hide many thoughts and feelings. but this time i'm going to give a brutally honest update of my sad existence. as of now that is, it wasn't this way in the past.

memories are hard to erase, but memory-invoking thought can be nullified with preoccupation.

i think i'm screwing my life up preoccupying myself with vices. it works but i'm functioning like an animal on drugs. i am moved by instinct rather than rationale. now i can't stop the addiction. ok i can, but my lack of discipline and steel is my downfall.

now that i'm back in ocs part time, i realise my stamina and strength have deteriorated alot. especially with no one to force me into working those abs and biceps, and with all the alcohol cumulating in my tummy, i feel like shit now when i run long distance. i am far from my prime just a few months ago.

all of a sudden, life seems to be heading downslope again. now there's one more person to visit when we travel to lim chu kang lawn cemetery. death is such a sad thing. cancer is worse. this period is one sad period, who could have predicted this was coming just last year when everything was perfect. life is freaking unfair, the thought comes inevitably right, why me? i seriously think losing a loved one is the hardest thing in the world to get over. i haven't thought of a possible replacement.

i understand its just part and parcel of life, and i can either blame it on bad luck and timing, or bad fate. what i really wanted was for everyone to live and die of old age. it is not to be.

-

i've been questioning my faith and beliefs as of late. i've been asking myself 'do i really believe?' i'm feeling sorry for trying to seek discrepancies in the bible, but some things just seem so ridiculous. a casual talk with weihao today made me feel increasingly skeptical. maybe i should consult people who know things, but i feel insecure. zZz.

-

someone's super dao, damn obvious, but i'm guilty too, in a way. its not that hard to pick up hints on a person's intentions. oh well i'm a useless uninventive guy too screwed up to do anything about it.

i'm glad bestie in boston remembers me (: goofy you, i'm not your papa or your pimp. it just sounds damn wrong. haha and your suggestion of spending your holidays clubbing or pubbing with me is just not you. thanks for your blog post anyway, haha. makes me feel important even when i can be really distracted and disillusioned. email soon.

"The fact is that people are good, Give people affection and security, and they will give affection and be secure in their feelings and their behavior."
-Abraham Maslow

impending d

2009-10-20T23:49:00.001+08:00

she couldn't even muster the strength to wave or say goodbye.

a narcissist by nature

2009-10-02T00:53:00.009+08:00

we experience no typhoon, earthquake or tsunami. no civil unrest, border tension or threat of war. no oppression against race, ethnicity or religion. we even enjoy free education, freely available potable tap water and a sturdy shelter over our heads.

this island could have been a quake zone, a sucker for floods and typhoons or a communist state, but it is not. still, people are not happy.

they complain about the exorbitant salaries of the 'elite', self-perceived titles they give to the individuals who possess foresight far beyond theirs and a heart for the community few can emulate. they simply cannot comprehend the bigger picture. disregarding hard work and effort, to focus on the things that matter to them: money.

sure, there are examples of grim and grime in our society that have not been stamped out. that is inevitable, ain't it? singapore is not utopia, as is every other country in the damned world. you can't say we haven't tried moving forward, because we definitely have, and so fast so that 2 generations down and no one knows real suffering. you can't blame the leaders because they have done a far better job than anyone of us ever could. the safe streets and social harmony, surely these didn't create themselves.

they read about the misfortunes of others everyday in so many different places, and still find the mood to complain about a teenager's poor diction and criminal record. living comfortably and stylishly is priority, en mass death and hardship is foreign and thus of no concern.

the problem with society and men, is that we are inherently selfish to the very core. we look out for ourselves first, then maybe others later on. so what exactly is the problem with placing ourselves in the leadership of men who actually care? yes they earn millions, but its not like they spend their riches indulging themselves in milk baths, model girlfriends young enough to be their granddaughters or personal wealth investments. truth be told, they don't even have the luxury of time.

in the meantime, it is also the same 'elite' that have sent aid to our disaster struck neighbour, as they have done before. do people actually remember things like these?

while i continue to struggle to find my place, i just hope people will slow down and stop thinking solely for themselves once in awhile. give thanks and be grateful for peace, and the ability to enjoy comforts many others don't.

~

the past week, pyung left for the great uk. to an extent, i envy. but then to go there without financial aid, uk you know, is almost too exhausting on my father's part. i wouldn't be studying and spending in peace.

we had drinks together for the last possible time, and the night was eventful as it was regretful. nostalgic nonetheless, i miss school and hanging out with the old friends. nowadays, we're all caught up in our own spheres of influence, venturing into new untried things. to each his own i guess. i'm probably the most disciplined one now, i actually signed on to the armed forces! look back and i just feel the immense irony. once tagged the slackest guy on earth, to the extent that having exams the next day wouldn't prevent me from playing comp throughout the night. it took a 'last in class' and 'only failure in class' to buck me up. failing was a blessing in disguise.

tomorrow is my last day at mindef until december. back to ocs i go. i have to be the most senior service term cadet EVER.

sundays

2009-09-27T23:46:00.004+08:00

i forgot: sunday is a reminder of death, mortality and heartaches, in so many different ways.

i am so affected, but there's nothing i can do.

here comes goodbye

2009-09-27T00:08:00.006+08:00

i owe an email and an apology. life got tougher this week: tiring journeys to and from work, queer demanding superiors, inflexible office rules and work work work. i miss aftc already. i was conferred the title of 'project officer' earlier this week. and i've been ranting to the office clerks about aftc compared to mindef all week long, haha. i mean, my new place only allows one break other than lunch break: in the morning for breakfast. no breaks in the afternoon at all. theres plenty of office gossip and politics circling around as well. the tasks i'm doing now come intermittently, quite frustrating. the nature of task: menial, unproductive, and sometimes making no sense. obviously i would prefer aftc, but come to think of it, i'm grateful that i'm not in ocs staying-in. stay-out life is actually very satisfying, once you get a taste of it, you never want to go back.

now i cannot do whatever i want whenever i want, which was the big plus point about aftc. bleah. no more youtubing, ebuddying, emailing, battlefield2, falconfour. sian ttm.

fortunately, weekends exist (: soccered today, and i discovered again that my fitness and stamina have dropped, not to mention i still have phlegm. it was also my grandma's birthday today and we had our family dinner at tampines near their place. finally, i'm looking forward to a due letter and good company, sunday should be good (:

~

music like this romanticize emotion

wonder baby

2009-09-24T23:03:00.002+08:00

i've been sounding negative here lately, but in reality it isn't as bad as it sounds. its true!

its just that sometimes i gather a train of thought, it usually comes quickly and sudden, and it seems logical and meaningful enough to pen down, i blog.

my brother discovered this:

ultra uber cute ttm

what is 19?

2009-09-22T23:38:00.005+08:00

19 is the space in between adolescence and adulthood, is the transition between innocence to wisdom.

optimistically speaking, it stands for gradual independence and liberation from rules that we've rightfully and finally outgrown from. it represents years of tireless effort and commitment finally bearing fruit. it is the time parents ease up on the tension, and 19 years of sheltering and provision slowly slips from their tired hands. growing up is alleviating burden from our elders. it is the beginning of a journey of self discovery and actualisation. long due dreams become more tangible. everything seems to be moving in the right direction: forward. good of course.

on the other hand. the inexperience resulting from being new, alien and very much curious causes so much frustration. success, as we soon discover, does not happen on every first try. self discovery brings about the realisation of weaknesses, inadequacies and eventually ego-crippling self-doubt. being halfway out of the safety of shelter, part of our body is exposed to the good and also the extreme misery of freedom. mind wrecking decisions, emotional issues, physiological needs make up the bulk of the problem. we suddenly realise the shelter was a good place, but reality will only allow us to move in one direction: out. it is like forgetting to bring an umbrella out with you into the pouring rain, and turning back to find the door bolted and locked. we can wonder around in the compounds of the porch and naively wait out, but we can never truly return. until we finally create another shelter of our own, the rain will continue to pour and the wind will continue to howl. all that is preserving our skin is perserverence and God's grace.

circumstances also have a direct influence on the transition experience. i only wish my circumstances could have been better. 19 in general, wasn't a good year for me.

19, and i feel regrettably liberated.

change sucks

2009-09-21T23:12:00.002+08:00

finally changed my strings. chilled at church, thought it'd be great for unwinding, then a splitting headache hit me. i tried to read my book comfortably, in vain. ruth is 19 today! reminds me of myself being 19, but what is 19? in between adolescence and adulthood. transitions sucks.

i've had brief yet frequent attacks of emotional unrest. it sucks because i can't concentrate, and my better judgement is impaired.

lately, i've been trying to:

get my christian fundamentals right
replace the strings on my guitar
work out
read a book

ups and downs, but generally heading in the right direction. still very much disoriented and unorganized.

tomorrow i tread new ground where high ranking officers and adults dominate. change sucks, because of the uneasiness and uncertainty. but i know i'll eventually get over it, and before you know it change comes again. one big change looms on the horizon. right now, i'm just cherishing the days leading to it.

what sarah said

2009-09-20T00:11:00.007+08:00

henry on his mother's accident, from the time traveller's wife:

"But then I feel guilty for wanting to avoid the sadness; dead people need us to remember them, even if it eats us, even if all we can do is say I'm sorry until it is as meaningless as air.

Back on the street, I stand pondering. I don't want to go home. I want to be with people, I want to be be distracted."

awhile back, i concurred. i'm not sure about now, i'm thoroughly confused by almost everything. how nice, if life came with a manual. living life for dummies: chapter 39, how to cope without a mother.

___

"but i'm thinking of what Sarah said
that love is watching someone die

so who's gonna watch you die?"

___

time's like this, tearing away at my guitar would have cheered me up a little, but the strings are rusty and gone. i'll make do with a bed and bad music.

its super weird,

2009-09-17T00:22:00.006+08:00

when a stranger adds you on facebook, and tells you she knows you from primary 1 when we used to take the same school bus together. after wrecking my brains for quite awhile (more than a day), looking through her photos trying to produce a vague recollection, it suddenly strikes me. isn't that the girl i confessed to back when i was 7?? i did it in the school bus! i don't know how i managed to salvage this memory back from the thrash section of my brain. then again, i cannot remember what her reaction was..

oh my.

psalms16:8&9

2009-09-15T23:47:00.004+08:00

the 12 hours time lag is a funny thing. it's like parallel worlds running simultaneously but in different time frames, which is precisely what it is. but i can't explain this fascination i feel. day in day out i wake up in the morning and then people halfway across the world get ready to tuck into bed. when i go through my afternoon's activities, they are soundly asleep dreaming great dreams. i knock off, they get up, and when i sleep their day has barely begun. it's just an amusing novelty of a thought. you should think of it too, and be enthralled, especially if you personally know someone who's living 12 hours behind you!

today

was pretty much the same as every other day. BUT, i am finally freed from a lurking uncertainty over my new near future.

i was just looking through the unsw undergrad entry requirements for IB students. 28 points for bachelors of engineering! i don't know what to feel. for one, i know i can get a spot in any of the coveted uk universities, but here i am settling for the 5th best university in australia. that makes me bitter, like i'm being deprived of what my merit deserves. not to mention, i did apply to anu earlier this year and i got a place for double bachelors in econs and finance for july 09. although i try not to feel this way, it just is. in the end, i tell myself, a scholarship is a scholarship. whatever the nature of the scholarship may be. my dad encourages it, and rightly so. a scholarship alleviates whatever financial burden he may have as a result of paying for my tertiary education. he's happy i got it, thats enough for me. mostly, the thought of me being paid alot just to study and suffer abit of regimentation is more than sufficient motivation to pull me through and do well. still, sometimes the bitterness just wouldn't leave. my grand dreams of studying in the uk ultimately failed to materialize.

then again. what are my plans compared to the will of God. if He wills it this way, theres no way anything else is going to happen. so someday, one day, i'm hoping i'll be in total peace with His decision to see me study in australia.

that aside, i have suppressed something for far too long. i can't seem to get it out of my chest. time, space and circumstances were never in my favour. why why why? i'm afraid of so many things. the ghost of previous encounters come ahaunting. it's so obvious yet not obvious enough, ah who am i kidding.

__

john is posted to mindef starting next monday. goodbye aftc.

singapore warrior: an advocate of peace

2009-09-14T14:05:00.004+08:00

war makes a good part of history. if you'd just think about it for a moment, history's war is all derived from the original sin of greed and self-centeredness. a hunger for expansion and conquest, coercing upon others ones ideals and political agendas. this conquest brings about more land, resources and riches, of which serves as a larger platform for more war and conquest.

i was reading up on the vietnam war, and browsing through war photos. war is terrible. in this day and age, most people are born embraced in peace, some see war on their televisions and papers, but most have never experienced it, its no wonder we have no regard for this defiled thing. it is not complacency, but merely self-indulgence and ignorance. we think peace is our birthright, and naturally so because we have no experience whatsoever but the words and tales of the generations before us. but is it really a birthright?

fortunately for us war-deprived people, diplomacy has become the predominant solution to conflict. however, the truth is that the foundation for effective diplomatic efforts rests on a nation's possession of viable and substantial war assets. if you want to talk, you better have big guns backing you. it fits in with every conflict. so in truth, war assets have not decreased since world war 2. should world war break out now, it'll be the biggest one yet. The primitive atomic bomb was enough to level a city. its already been more than half a century since the first nuclear bomb. with the development and advancements in guided weapon systems technology, planes don't have to be flown above their targets, ballistic rockets can travel between continents, and human lives effectively become mere statistics.

singapore has been on the receiving end of such grotesque conflicts not so long ago. it has been the highlight of social studies textbooks and other materials of propaganda. it must have been tough living in the day and age when singapore fell to the japanese. thinking about it makes me grateful because i am much more fortunate, and because our forefathers have since established a nation that can effectively protect itself, thus building the foundation for individualistic pursuits of its people.

this brings me to my final question, the one that i resolved before i signed on to the RSAF. why did i associate myself with the armed forces?

i don't ever want to be involved in war, but should it ever happen i want to play a part in seeing an end to it. singapore is a small country, and in the history of mankind, what are the odds of a small country surviving competition and conflicts with its larger neighbours? virtually none. so why this anomaly from the trend? you tell me.

it's only natural

2009-09-11T22:49:00.004+08:00

soccer tournament tomorrow!

i'm going to be posted to mindef the following week, which kinda sucks since it means i need to wake up earlier in the morning to travel further.

i really liked this video for some reason, even though its about puppy love and attraction:

truly madly deeply

2009-09-10T22:18:00.004+08:00

i'm a jackass! ok maybe i'm not meant to be a business person. super depreciation! i still remember last year i bought the zen x-fi, and then the ipod touch 2nd gen came out 2 weeks after that :/ now i bought the 2nd gen, the 3rd gen comes out! bugger, apple should give rebates for those who bought their old products recently (:

fortunately there's like no major technological revolution in the new gen ipod touch.

today i ran. yes i did.

i knew i loved you

2009-09-09T22:53:00.006+08:00

payday! in like an hour.

ok maybe getting paid so much to do nothing is a major plus point of my job now.

taylor swift is my age! so is yoona! she's younger than me. and aarom ramsey is my age too. the list goes on. i just find it amusing and slightly unbelievable that people my age are out there making their mark somewhere in the world. me? i'm like everyone of you average joes. but yeah, i'm pretty happy like that (:

a blessing! my medical appointment got pushed forward to next monday, hopefully the problem will be resolved asap.

i was helping my boss type some paperwork today. he's in charge of trainee development and training curriculum planning, stuff like that. so i was just typing like the syllabus and course synopsis for what we call the Air Engineering Officer. apparently, only degree holders can apply for this vocation. i remember last sunday i was just talking to wilfred about how he can try for AEO because in my opinion, it is definitely much better than becoming a senior techie. you know, making the right decisions now can make so much difference in 10, 20, 30, 40 years to come. i found out that diploma holders alternately, can apply for the vocation of Air Maintenance Officer, which is a less managerial but more technical vocation, as compared to AEO. obviously the pay range is less, but it beats being a senior tech hands down. so i called him up and updated him on my new found knowledge. i felt that he could really get all the help he can get to make up his mind, especially when these type of choices are life determining.

for one, this small incident made me ponder on my decision to sign on. being a pilot with the RSAF is definitely a financially stable job, and believe it or not, it pays pretty darn well. i read up on the salary scale and various components of allowances a pilot draws and will draw as they progress in seniority, back when i was in ocs air wing, i was surprised alright. very very surprised.

months ago, i decided on the reasons for which i'm going to slog to earn a living for. i'll say that i'm not aiming for riches. my reasons are actually very simple, mostly with comfort and family in mind. if i can live comfortably and my family is living comfortably, i'm about contented. i'm not really feeling the crunch now, but according to my mum and dad, when the time comes i'll finally understand their pain. i certainly hope that when it comes, i don't reflect retrospectively and start regretting. at that time, regrets will be in vain and foresight will be what i wished for in my younger days. i hope what i'm intending to do now is a product of good foresight, i hope!

then again, what if i find myself unwanted 10 years down the road. my oh my john the bachelor.

what is the chief end of man?

2009-09-08T23:17:00.005+08:00

amidst the amassing of knowledge and technical know-whats, innovative conceptual ideals and structural revolutions, my mind got lost.

which was fine, until i realised so were my soul and heart.

who gifted the capacity of thought to our physical embodiments? i mostly forget.

who gifted us the capacity to cry, laugh and get all frustrated? i mostly forget.

.. somewhere in between thinking and acting.

internal resolution issues aside, i enjoyed sunday very very much (: really.

old promises

2009-09-04T22:55:00.009+08:00

which reminds me, if i do get the 5k my mum promised when i do well, i'd probably spend it on a mac and a camera. OR if i do extra well, which is highly unlikely (imagine 44, 45), i would keep the 5k and rely on scholarship funds to get my desires.

.. from 12th august '08, more than a year back. i was so motivated then. by the adrenaline of wanting to excel, by incentives, and finally the strong urge to prove my worth. i eventually did just that.

looking back, i never did get that incentive. i never got the chance.

she was so happy when i became a pilot, and when i finally got my diploma. she was also delighted when i got my platoon best. i like it when she smiled. even as i type this, i feel a strong sense of injustice towards her. do i just move ahead like that? life resumes, but things have changed so so so much. i can't even explain how much has changed.

moving along. to forget and put behind. she doesn't deserve this does she. i'm stuck here wondering, what could have been. how things would be like now had the coin toss gone the other way. tears grip me, they do sometimes, quite uncontrollably. but in doing this, i feel human again. to mourn to cry to vent my emotions against the four walls. and maybe when she see's me like that, she'll know i still miss her and she'll smile because i miss her. don't want her to see us moving along just fine, she'd get the wrong idea.

whenever i'm reminded of this whole predicament, life seems like an eternity, a slow and long eternity. it really sucks sometimes and i wonder whether my family feels the same. how i wish she was here to comfort me and perhaps drop me a kiss. i'd love that. its almost cruel, almost unfair, whoever tossed me into adulthood just like that. i'm already earning my keep, but for whom? i don't want to keep everything to myself, i really don't. there's just no meaning in that. none i can conceptualize. maybe i used to think material possessions were everything that keeps me going, right now that view has never been so wrong.

dad was happy when i finished with best knowledge, he was happy when i got the scholarship. you know, from the bottom of my deformed heart i hope he'll continue to be happy. i hope he'll continue to be able to be happy. i really don't know how i'll take things should anything else happen. please don't let anything happen to anyone else. life is already hard as it is.

i miss you so much mummy.

UNSW@ADFA

2009-09-01T00:09:00.002+08:00

many thoughts, little actions, sleepy.

supermassive black hole

2009-08-26T19:43:00.005+08:00

i'm really slacking now. my eyes twitch and my body itches, wanting to go through intensive regimentation. i think i miss army.

stay out. i don't even have to stay in camp now. i'm posted to Air Force Training Command (AFTC), formerly known as Air Force School. i'm a cadet awaiting course, so basically i sit around and read book, lean against wall, surf internet, play itouch. i'll be doing this for an indefinite amount of time, ranging from 1 month to 4 months. man, i'm imagining the NSFs who want to be in my shoes now..

in all honesty, i am not enjoying this, as great as it sounds. first, i don't get to go brunei. i have to go through another round of physical conditioning in order to go brunei in the future. all my course mates and friends are going to commission earlier than me. have i mentioned this is not the first time my progression has been delayed :/

and if worse comes to worst, my medical review should fail, i'm going to have a permanent down pes. no more officership, pilot career, regular pay. i'll probably become air force clerk, 8 to 530. thats hard to swallow.

i miss hawk coy, delta wing, air wing.

hilary left already. it was so brief. i'll remember the SLR, the old man who composed great chorale pieces and cabbing many many times -smile-

glaciers melting in the dead of night
and the superstar's sucked into the

supermassive black hole

dire

2009-08-10T14:50:00.004+08:00

because people are so focused on their shortcomings, they fail to realise their strengths and become the great people they can be.

that is one thing i uncovered over the weekend. i was trying to explain to myself the reasons behind my insecurities and i wondered and wandered, suddenly i struck what i thought was gold. it seemed true enough, i'm too caught up in my flaws. i'm afraid that people will judge me, scrutinize my all and find that one thing that makes john a puny fry. flaws, weaknesses, character loopholes. i thought only of that, where did my strengths go?

if i had any. then my mind explored the foreign territory of john's strengths. i hadn't thought much of those in a long time. really, when was the last time i was proud of anything. before march? before that timely unfortunate event that broke my heartstrings. i've become a different person ever since. i'm more closed up. i want to depend on myself. family became so important. isolation seemed ok, until my heart tugged at my mind to find companionship. i don't really like loneliness, as i doubt anyone would. but loneliness is like a plague that refuses to leave me. maybe i haven't tried hard enough. i love my family, but it seems with the fragile nature of life and death, nothing is permanent. i want more close friends who i can count on beside my family, but such things don't appear in the blink of an eye. i have to treasure the numbered few. i have to.

i sidetrack too much. strengths? i can um do math and science. i used to play the piano and guitar often. i used to fly too. i've got a license to fly a plane. i have average leadership qualities. i'm a pragmatic thinker. i took higher mother tongue? i did fairly well for my exams. i can sometimes read people's mind.

that's all i can come up with. oh well i guess that's a start, to focus on my strengths more. if i continue to dwell in my shortcomings, the only direction i'll be moving is backwards. the weaknesses list is endless and will grow if i persist.

but to pen something down and to actually stand up and act on it. they are two different things. to tell myself to try and to finally try. there's a substantial lapse in confidence and discipline that i often find lacking. mr john is lazy and afraid, mostly afraid. actually, just afraid.

i look at the days ahead. sometimes they look uncertain, sometimes they look agonizingly long. sometimes i think of the good that will come, and the good that may come. i smile on occasions and frown on others. i cannot be sure what is installed for me. will i screw up more than i make right decisions? have i already made the wrong decision? these are the questions that poke at me every other moment. coupled with my overly self-conscious thoughts, i think i think too much. however as i've come to accept it, that's just me. plainly, over-thinking john.

and i've also discovered, i proclaim that much but really my dependence on the divine is minimal. like i've said many times, i want to have that ideal relationship with God, but again saying and acting are different things. amidst life and its many distractions, i'm still caught up in between saying and acting: thinking. that's probably it.

i've run out of thoughts, and i can't believe i'm blogging when i could be replying emails, studying or doing whatever nonsense constructive thing.

educated, with money. he's well-dressed, not funny

2009-07-25T12:43:00.003+08:00

i fell sick again this week.

monday's 7km was in its entirety, exhausting. ran a temperature and it didn't subside even after a night's rest. i got 2 days mc and i felt better on thursday. then friday came and i knew i was running a fever, but i didn't report sick for various reasons. my throat became sore, i caught a flu and my fever didn't subside despite being in an air-conditioned environment the entire day. the day went by extremely slowly.

there's just too many things going on next week that i can't miss, on top of that me is cwc next week. i guessed as much, it'll be my best chance to perform for service term.

a splitting headache has been plaguing me this entire week and the number of panadol i've popped can't be counted with my fingers. hopefully i feel much better tomorrow.

nobody knows nobody knows..

2009-07-09T15:37:00.005+08:00

the interview got postponed, i was slightly relieved and irritated at the same time. i wasted a trip down, and the cab fare could have been used wiser.

i should be happy right:

i'm going back today, coming out on saturday and back on sunday. i will be with new people, new faces and learning new things. i'm moving a step closer to my aim.

somehow, it never ever feels complete, i never ever feel complete, there's always something missing. i'm on a quest to complete myself, a neverending directionless one.

lyrics for Her Morning Elegance - Oren Lavie

i would give you a penny if you tell me your thoughts. heck, i'd do anything.

red spots and polka dots

2009-07-07T13:10:00.006+08:00

i've got the rashes! food allergy of some sort, i have no idea what defiled thing i ate though, nothing special to note.

4 days outpatient leave is many days. i'll be going to air wing on a thursday night 8pm. i hate it when i start on the wrong foot, or a foot late. it makes me feel uneasy to miss something everyone else is attending. not to mention i will have catching up to do, oh catching up i hate that too. it reminds me, though, of the 5 months i spent brushing up on my academics before it was too late, those 5 months were intense, and i came out feeling oh so proud i made it out alive in one piece, with good grades too heh.

yesterday's encounter with the doctor is one i cannot forget. i got pricked a total of 8 times. the young male doctor was trying to find my thin vein amidst red rashes, he tried 6 times in vain (vein haha, not funny). he switched hands, left to right and back again countless times, and pricking positions. i never knew you could draw blood from the opposite side of the palm and at the side of the wrist. which meant i had to watch and go through 6 cycles of him slapping my skin to make the vein surface, and then poking me, finally shifting the needle about nervously (under my skin) trying to find the elusive vein. i will always remember when i glanced at him, he would shake his head subtly, as if trying to tell me this was another failed attempt. yes and 6 failed attempts it was. until eventually on the 7th, he found blood, but not plenty. so he used that hole to inject the medication. then came the 8th, which he said was the easiest to carry out, but the most painful. i vaguely recall flinching at that point. he told me he was going to draw blood from the underbelly of my wrist, where the vein was most prominent. it was easy alright, and as painful as it was easy.

nonetheless, my rashes are still here and i hope they go away fast. they look horrible, not to mention the itch which sucks totally.

anyway, i have an interview tomorrow! for the SAF Academic Scholarship (Military). i hope i do well too, God-willing :) i'm preparing for it now.

hot n cold

2009-07-03T12:40:00.004+08:00

of all the dreams in the world, this is my biggest :)

Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down

You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up

i'm going out after lunch, to roam the streets and feel less of a bum. cos this week has been one bummy ride.

Mach 2.5+

2009-06-29T22:52:00.004+08:00

i spent a day at the saf career center and boy is it boring. once i signed my deeds and enlistment form, the rest of the day was free and easy provided i stay within the confinements of the building.

so i ended up reading every darn recruitment brochure :) and still i had time to spare. plenty of time.

i'm officially a pilot trainee with rsaf now :D i really really really can't wait to start flying, but that won't happen for at least a good 5 months as i stay grounded in singapore. which actually gives me alot of time to plan out what i want to learn during this period and what i'll eventually leave behind when i go to australia for at least 6 months.

i'm thinking of someone now, but she now resides in a foreign land and my thoughts cannot actualize. i realize how i've been blindly foolish. i looked at the recent events occurring around me from a third-person's perspective, much like a reader reading a novel written in the narrative, where i realize how dumb some of the narrator/protagonist's actions can be. i'd judge him, and start coming up with instant alternatives and solutions. i just did that a moment ago, to myself, oh boy. i really am a crappy person when it comes to relationship man, sometimes i find myself doing things that i'd regret 5 seconds later but find it almost impossible to rectify thereafter. i'm a fool.

i'm a fool.

The Air Force, Above All

2009-06-25T22:01:00.003+08:00

i've finished army service term! 14 weeks just like that. thank God i didn't sustain any injuries, less my loose knee cap which occasionally gives me problems.

i realise i've been blogging in intervals, whenever there's a major break i find the time to put in a few words here.

anyway, i'll be posted to air force recruitment center starting next monday, for a week until air force service term starts. then, i'll be heading back to air wing, ocs, safti.

to say the least, i am really excited about the prospect of becoming a pilot trainee. if all else goes well, in two years time i will be a military pilot :)

'Don't think about it as a crossroad choice where there's no turning back, but rather look ahead into the bright, wonderful, cloud-filled future you're going to have. It's going to be tough, you're going to question yourself at times wondering why you chose this path, but persevere on and I promise, cross bestie's heart, that life has its way of working itself out.'

i got this 2 days ago from someone so far away yet so close to my heart <3 it is comforting to know that i have someone who recognizes and wants to share the problems i face. especially now when i feel so much more lonely than before i enlisted into the army.

i've sorted out my thoughts. the reason i have been unhappy and troubled lately was because my motivations were directed towards wanting a high-flying career which promised prestige and, i dare say, better financial prospects. do i really want that? my laid-back lifestyle during my schooling years is more than enough proof to disproof my recently found motivations. i'm not going to return to my happy-go-lucky days, but am i really suited to become a future chief of air force? i just don't see that. so yup, i'm just going to do what i love, enjoy it and yet not having to worry about personal finances. what better way to live life but to make a living doing what i love. this way i will never look back with regret.

looking back at the past 14 weeks, i will never say they were wasted.

i've fired the sar21 sharpshooter, m203 grenade launcher, ultimax 100 section automatic weapon, general purpose machine gun, matador anti-tank weapon and the bangalore torpedo in the 14 weeks. i've done fire and movement an innumerable number of times, dug so much soil and kissed the floor for the smallest mistakes. sure i've been through hell loads of shit, sometimes was treated like one, but i've come out of it a better person, seriously. i've learnt new ways to lead, manage resources and people. there's just something about the army that contrasts so much with the normal civilian life, yet somehow gratifies me in a certain way i cannot explain.

i'll cherish the roller coaster 14 weeks in delta and the friends i've found in some.

above all, i will put it and the days ahead into God's hands.

I have set the LORD always before me:
because he is at my right hand,
I shall not be moved.

Therefore my heart is glad,
and my glory rejoiceth:
my flesh also shall rest in hope.

Psalm 16:8-9

above all, haha.

9 weeks

2009-04-25T22:44:00.015+08:00

a substantial 9 weeks. so significant and so independent.

it means alot of things these 9 weeks. for one, i've learnt life doesn't go according to plan. or my plan at least.

my dreams of becoming a pilot are now clouded by the availability of scholarships. my dad is pressing me to only go for scholarships, because my condemned life may begin the moment i sign on the dotted line without securing a scholarship.

i've been feeling unsure, because now i only have dad to seek guidance from. i want to follow my heart, but that is so much easier said than done. my dad will have his opinions, and that on its own ties me down. and insecurity isn't the only thing i'm troubled with.

i've tried to put my heart somewhere that isn't marred by invariables. unfortunately that hasn't turned out well too. sometimes i can't read your mind, and things become so unpredictable i don't know what to do. a good part of me wants to give up this pursuit. the other wilful part is just clinging on for dear life, hoping fate decides to interfere. i can see myself clinging on, because i want to. this heart is set on it, even though logic defies it. time isn't on my side too.

anyway God has been kind to me during my 9 weeks in ocs. i haven't suffered injuries, exhaustion and what not. i've got fantastic instructors and platoon mates i couldn't ask for more. sure, ocs is tough, delta wing is tougher, but i'm more than a quitter so i'll persevere.

tomorrow bestie is going back to boston for summer semester. so incidentally, rachel is leaving for her backpacking trip next friday. so my only chance to see both for the last time in a long time would be tomorrow. suddenly, tomorrow seems so short. i'm sad really, as much as rachel tries to convince me not to be. it just happens like that, how can emotions be explained? separation is never a happy event.

5 more weeks to the end of my service term. by then, i may have decided to move on, or i could be moving to the air force as a regular. God will provide and i'll leave it to him.

rise above this

2009-03-22T12:47:00.004+08:00

today's sunday, so after tomorrow's funeral and burial life will officially change. tuesday, i'll be heading to safti mi to delta wing at ocs in the morning. somehow i'm totally unprepared. a week ago i was all worried over my posting because of my dismal ippt results, then on sunday everything changed. my mental focus and thoughts shifted. all of a sudden my life was to crumble and ambition made way for grief and fear.

now i'm fine because i have come to accept the plain but harsh reality that mum's gone. but on monday, i was breaking down totally. looking at her lying down, suffering, taking such weak gasps of oxygen, i wanted to suffer in her place because she didn't deserve such torment.

why now?

i always tried to control strong emotions, but it was too much for me to bear. i can't remember the last time i cried so much. i don't think i will cry so much ever again. so many wild thoughts crept into my head. my children will never get to see their grandmother, chinese new year will be spent without mum, she will never see me graduate and i wouldn't have the chance of giving her a portion of my first pay. and you know, i'm only 19 now, not even an adult or earning wages. my brothers are 15. its worse because i actually think so much of the consequent life ahead.

i'm still a kid.

immediately, i turned to God. i prayed so much, for a miracle perhaps. even though the doctor already pronounced her impending departure. by tuesday, my prayers turned to allowing mummy to leave painless and peacefully. still i could not believe the turn of events. just last week i was happy from passing out of tekong, thinking about scholarships, university applications and whether i can get into the coveted ocs. i hanged out with friends, played comp, doing everything except spend time with her. and now i regret so much really, i never gave her the due care she deserved. instead she was the one always showering abundant love on me. she would always call to ask whether i needed a lift home from pasir ris when i booked out, asking about my day or week. i will remember the way she smiled when i showed her my ib result slip and platoon best recruit plaque.

its ironic because just last year i was a total bum and a constant worry for my parents. i failed my exams for the first time. gosh. just when i realised my folly and turned around, doing my best in everything, she had to be taken away. the achievements that will come further down the road, the fruits of her tireless labour, she will not get to enjoy. on this mortal earth.

i guess the sole and greatest consolation from this fateful event, is that she has gone to heaven to meet the Lord. and i have a change of motivation in life. i suddenly want to do well, but not for myself anymore, instead for mum who won't see me through the rest of my life. and dad who now has the task of managing the entire family on his own. the thought of her being by the side of our Lord God almighty comforts me.

for those concerned, i'm really ok already. thursday morning i resolved the conflicts within myself and i feel more peaceful now. after monday, i will be going into ocs for a three week confinement, which promises alot of hellish action, but i will be driven, you can count on that.

I'll mend myself before it gets me
I'll mend myself before it gets me

Call your name every day when I seem so helpless
I've fallen down, and I'll rise above this, rise above this doubt

in the Lord i trust.

2009-03-20T11:40:00.001+08:00

the long week is finally over. i seek closure and a good rest. before you know it i'm rushed back into the army life and confinement.

2009-03-17T21:49:00.002+08:00

i feel helpless.

am i just going to stay and watch, when watching seems to be the hardest thing on earth. i can't do anything. and my eyes, sore from tearing. i haven't teared in a long time, and so much at once. why, why is this happening? i just cannot place the idea of being left so early in my life, so early, i am still but nineteen.

now all my achievements seem like nothing, i would willingly trade everything away. just so that i can help.

i want to be holy again, maybe that will help. my sins are catching up to me, someone else is paying for them. are you listening to my pleas?

in days my life will crumble, and i'm putting on a false front. that will soon crumble too. i tried to enjoy today, but it failed. i'm sick, in many ways.

2009-03-16T22:15:00.000+08:00

i'm an emotional wreck.

re-education (through labor)

2009-03-15T20:36:00.002+08:00

yesterday i stared at the tv so long, everything started swaying. i thought it was the tv producing swaying images, then i stared at a wall portrait and that was swirling too, like a mirage. i saw many brilliant goals yesterday, torres slotting the ball into the only spot which would have resulted in a goal. dossena's goal out of nowhere and arshavin's mercurial solo effort. all i wish now is for arsenal to get 4th spot. man utd would probably win the league.

i wish i had my own laptop, which supports crysis at max graphics, then everyday will be a bright one and my life will not be dull.

if only someone would command me, then life could be purposeful. i'm definitely not ready to take charge of my life man. being in school, bmt, where schedules are followed, i follow and i feel good when the day ends and i've learnt new things, had good conversations. when i'm out and on my own, i'm a wandering nomad. roaming the explored lands of my home seeking the same purposeful experiences and all i find is the computer and its many wonders.

someone save me please. maybe i should pick up my rusty guitar again, the one hidden in the closet, probably grey now. i have no idea whether my amp still works. and blogging has become rather dull, and expressing my emotions has turned chore-ish. anyway some opinions and emotions, actually most opinions i'd rather not and don't say. because i'd prefer not to offend people. i'm wondering now, is there anyone out there who thinks and acts like me, cos many times i think i've found the one, but i always get it wrong.

i try to be able to talk to everyone, which has proven to be rather smooth running in tekong. i won't say its being people pleasing, just that i'd rather be flexible and not stick to cliques. and i can speak in different wavelengths, throw me chinese and i'll give you conversational chinese, throw me swear words and i'll throw ten back haha. just don't get on my nerves, cos when i hate people, nice person mode off. i can be very cunning and manipulative if i have the motivation to.

right now, i feel the best option for me is to upgrade myself. i need a physical upgrade, and um give me a hair growth upgrade. plus that girlfriend attachment, that will boost my hp and mp regeneration. i wonder what's gotten into me. anyway, posting is next friday i think, i do hope i get into ocs.

POP loh

2009-03-06T23:38:00.004+08:00

and it ended on a high, 24km through the night, no sleep, and then the final parade as a recruit. finally we're out of tekong.

i'm finally a private, as lowly as it sounds, i'm a trained soldier! heh and i graduated as platoon best recruit of my platoon. my only regret is not getting that ippt silver which would have greatly boosted my chances of getting into ocs.

now that i'm on 10 days block leave, i have so many things in my mind to do.

i think i'm falling, i'm holding on to all i think is safe

2009-02-14T20:53:00.003+08:00

scholarship applications..

if everything goes according to plan, i will go to ocs after bmt, i will leave for LSE in september, finish studying in 4 years graduating with first-class honours, come back and learn flying, obtain my wings, fly. if this sequence of events happen, i've got it made.

dreams are always there. its all about working hard to achieve them, and when the whole process is finally over, the end product is freaking gratifying.

but then again, dreams are dreams..

all this time you were pretending, so much for my happy ending.

2009-02-08T19:55:00.002+08:00

i have rashes on my hands, chest, neck and face. i look horrible, and i'm going back into tekong tonight.

good thing i won't be going outfield again anytime soon.

i want so much to get silver for ippt!

as i scream, aim and fire, the death toll grows higher

2009-02-01T16:45:00.000+08:00

church politics, i can't stand for it.

you know someone doesn't like you when he gives you that look. as much as i like to remain a neutral party, that's not in my control.

like my sister was ranting, some people are just like that: fake, useless, hypocritical. it is irritating at times, having the knowledge that people are putting up false fronts.

i watched underworld past midnight yesterday and i think the m18 rating is not justified, we were kind of disappointed heh. it was cool hanging out and sharing army experiences, paul's in kestral and gary's an OOT in zulu. talked, drank, and talked some more. the week ahead is going to be long, starting with ippt tomorrow, horrors. most probably, i'll fail again heh. well at least i'm improving :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HWEETENG!

i don't want to close my eyes

2009-01-11T00:02:00.004+08:00

economics
business and management
social and political sciences
psychology

applying for a place in uni is tedious.

i'm tired.

i gained weight again.

INTERNATIONAL WAA?

2009-01-06T18:09:00.003+08:00

I GOT BACK MY IB RESULTS AND I AM UBER MEGA ULTRA HAPPY :D

i couldn't be happier, really.

Physics HL 7
Mathematics HL 7
Economics HL 7
Chemistry SL 7
Chinese B SL 7
English A1 SL 6
TOK+EE 1

Total: 42

which means i did go on stage to shake drong's hand. heh. the one thing i'm most proud of is my improvement in mathematics! from a math noob i became a math pro! recap, july mid year exams results:

Physics 4
Maths 3
Econs 4
Chem 3
Chinese 7
English 5
TOK+EE -
Total 26

to my prelim results in october:

Physics 6
Maths 4
Econs 5
Chem 6
Chinese 7
English 6
TOK+EE 1
Total 35

for the only failure in class for mid-years, i did not bad :) to state the least, this is the happiest moment in my life, even in front of the time i passed my flying test. NO WAY I GOT 42 NO WAY. anyway, in another hour's time i'll be heading back to tekong, feeling so light. i guess all the hard work paid off, i realised i've climbed over that big obstacle that had proved to be one tough nut to crack just 5 months ago. now right now, i'm going to concentrate fully on buffing up and getting into ocs. i want to fly that badly.

i'm going to start seriously considering my university options, because there are no limits now :) i have a feeling i'll appear in the papers tomorrow.

when you're gone

2008-12-31T23:28:00.008+08:00

ambition
relationships
discipline

i can't seem to find a balance juggling all three at the same time. it always is slanted to one or the other, or at most two. somehow it becomes exhausting when i try micromanaging and i eventually give in. right now, i haven't figured out what is driving me to work out, gain weight and do my best in bmt. i really haven't, timmy told me the young recruit will start thinking alot when he settles into tekong, how true. just before sleep, or even when i am standing at attention, my mind wonders beyond camp into the life i once had and towards the people i hold dear. i feel nostalgic mostly, like 'what am i doing here?' or 'what are my friends doing now?'. yes its that sad.

anyway update:

i've enlisted into BMTC School 1. i don't know whether i'm allowed to disclose anymore, but i'm in HAWK company. ok thats about all i'm going to reveal, less i get charged or something. life in tekong has been more than pleasant in my opinion, contributed by various factors. first, i have a good bunch of bunk mates. gangsters i have none, 2 smokers but i have nothing to complain about because they are not allowed to smoke in the room. i'm glad i have people to talk to that share the same conversational wavelength. second, i stay on the second floor, which makes everything sooo convenient. third, i have welfare-oriented sergeants, you can guess what kind of treatment that equates to. fourth, i'm building up my physical fitness! fifth, i gained weight! like almost 3kg.

so ya, life isn't as bad as i thought it would become. life in tekong passes by really fast because everyday is activity packed. morning becomes night really quickly. before i know it, i'll be doing alot of chin-ups, become a fattie and then graduate into a private heh.

i think i'll get used to this really soon. the military life. actually i already have, but it somehow restarts whenever i book out and in. btw i've been listening to avril lavigne alot latelyy, i use it to fall asleep at night haha.

when you're gone, the pieces of my heart are missing you
when you're gone, the face i came to know is missing too.
when you're gone
the words i need to hear to get me through the day
and make it ok
i miss you.

JOHNY

2008-12-24T20:02:00.001+08:00

is serving the nation.

you may say that I'm a dreamer

2008-12-07T01:18:00.003+08:00

i feel like i'm drained of my already sparse words.

i'm back from taiwan. if i weren't born in singapore, i'd want to be a taiwanese citizen. there are a few reasons, one i feel proud to be a chinese and i'd choose taiwan over any other chinese provinces. also, even my dad noticed, 7 out of 10 girls encountered on any street is attractive. how come all the superior physical genes are concentrated in taiwan..

but there are negatives, singapore food owns taiwanese food. taiwanese gravy is always too sweet or too salty, it's as if taiwan taste buds are diminished so the food has to be over-flavoured or seasoned. and i absolutely detest the smell of chou tofu.

anyway, i really had lots of fun. there were so many kids on tour with me and my family, which was kind of disturbing since my brothers' paedophilic sensors were overload. they always over react whenever something small that crawls appears in their line of sight.

next weekk, ENLISTMENT. i can't believe it is here already.

and as long as there's a heaven, there'll be a failure to excommunicate.

2008-11-11T21:46:00.003+08:00

7 more papers to..

updated predicted grades:
physics 6/7
math 7
chem 7

expected grades:
english 6
econs 6/7

.. ns. wow whee.

alone, left alone. watch us slowly disappear with time.

2008-10-13T23:40:00.002+08:00

21 days left. i can't wait!

and break the truth with more bad news he left a scar, size extra large

2008-09-27T00:14:00.005+08:00

Tue, Nov 4 - Physics Paper 1 (1hr), Physics Paper 2 (2hr15)
Wed, Nov 5 - Physics Paper 3 (1hr15)
Thu, Nov 6 -
Fri, Nov 7 - Maths Paper 1 (2hr)
Sat, Nov 8 -
Sun, Nov 9 -
Mon, Nov 10 - Maths Paper 2 (2hr)
Tue, Nov 11 - Chem Paper 1 (0hr45), Chem Paper 2 (1hr15)
Wed, Nov 12 - Chem Paper 3 (1hr), English Paper 1 (1hr30)
Thu, Nov 13 - English Paper 2 (1hr30), Maths Paper 3 (1hr)
Fri, Nov 14 -
Sat, Nov 15 -
Sun, Nov 16 -
Mon, Nov 17 -
Tue, Nov 18 -
Wed, Nov 19 - Econs Paper 1 (1hr), Econs Paper 2 (1hr)
Thu, Nov 20 - Econs Paper 3 (2hr)
___________________________

14 papers in 17 days and 19 and a half hours of examinations, not bad, and the subjects are clustered together which makes recalling facts and revision so much easier, unlike during prelims when i had to recall physics and econs stuff after a week. there's also a huge break between econs and the rest, which is ideal for maximum mugging, but i think 5 days is a tat too much. if it were shorter, exams would be over sooner.

i'm aiming for 41 raw score now :/ that would mean 41/42, i'm allowing just one point to be dropped in english. my mum says i should just aim high so should i fall it wouldn't be so drastic. it makes sense, but in the end if i try my best and don't hit the spot there's nothing i can do. oh man i hope prelims results won't deal a blow to me and knock me off momentum.

andand i was so relieved after prelims ended i forgot to write to rachel. now i feel bad and i'm half blogging half writing.

i think i took too long a break, i haven't done much since prelims ended on monday. i have played dota, soccer, wii and watched alot of television. today i was aching all over my lower body and was so lethargic from flu and a headache i didn't do anything at all. if not for a good session with my cousin, i would feel like a total bum again. at least now i'm a little better in vectors and functions, if thats any consolation for almost a week of relaxing.

i'll probably start the cycle again on sunday. so until 20th november, i'll be living in seclusion and seeking enlightenment on how everything in ib works. you won't see me here until 20th at least, time to activate 100% concentration, 100% commitment and 100% motivation.

if you want to help me concentrate, please do any (if not all) of the following:
1) offer monetary incentives (assets can be negotiated)
2) help me out when i have questions regarding physics,maths,chem,econs,etc
3) pray for me
4) don't distract me

:D

that said and done i'm off.

she's just a girl who claims that I am the one but the kid is not my son

2008-09-24T22:29:00.003+08:00

More football highlights at fcfootballblog.com

you can't don't love arsenal <3

carlos vela is now my 3rd favourite arsenal player

uncanny, strange deja vu but I don't mind- I hope to find the truth

2008-09-23T11:16:00.000+08:00

i played dota yesterday, the first time in a very very very long time. surprisingly, i haven't lost touch. after orienting myself to the hotkeys and know-hows, and asking paul about the recipes for certain items, i felt familiar to dota again. haha. contrastingly, charles, who has been playing ever so often, has maintained his ever so noob skills. it is super frustrating playing with charles on your team. he makes zero contribution, and always comes up with the same excuses for a piss poor performance post-game.

anyway prelims are finally over! while it is the end of prelims, there's no time for a break, just a breather. it feels so strange. this feeling, it's like there isn't anything to study anymore. although i know there is so much more to do if i want to achieve my objective. there's little i can do with chem and physics now, so i'd probably shift all my time to finishing up the unknowns of math. i really hope i get as high as possible for chem and physics prelims this time round, madam carol low will go nuts because i jumped so many grades at once, and for once i'm in her good books.

i had a strange deja vu. it feels so familiar this suppressing sort of feeling cum struggle thing. i was lucky to escape monday with a relatively easy math paper, at least i felt it was. it is kind of hard to concentrate on one thing when another is filled in your head. actually it is really hard. i think dota session cleared my mind because my mental activity is back to normal.

i don't understand it though, not entirely. the mind is complex shit.

maybe i've changed. not character wise, but you know just my mannerisms and priorities. i realise i have turned fairly detached from human relations, but so has everyone else at school. maybe i was being insensitive, or my natural sense of selective sensitivity failed me then, or i wasn't thinking properly.

whatever the cause, things have become familiar again this dire feeling of i-don't-know-what-to-do. i have a feeling, a feeling because i have no concrete plans, that i will employ the same tactics i used to. i have done this so many times. indecisive people tend to be like this, i know i am this type and as much as i want to be an adult i lack the credibility of responsibility and effective decision making. this things can't be trained into people, it comes with experience from growing up, thats what seperates an adult and an adolescent right.

reputation is a retarded thing, and as much as i want to play life like i play dota: restart after each conclusion, it can't be done.

tomorrow i'm off to my cousin's for help on vectors and functions because i need it.

you know, achieving a high grade is my biggest ambition at the moment, i's what i'm mugging my ass off for. if i mug and drop so far from it, i'd feel like shit because it tells me one thing: i suck, blatantly. there's no point spending so much time on books if i'm not absorbing anything.

last thing: i changed my braces today back to the original colour blue! its going to hurt for a day or two, my pretty dentist said i'll be able to attach the brace cap onto my awkward upper incisor next session which chances to be a few days before ib exams. i hope it doesn't affect my performance during the exam period because i know its definitely going to hurt.

this is the resolution the end of all progress the death of revolution it bleeds all life away

2008-09-21T00:57:00.001+08:00

i just printed my final cas stuff out and i'm going to get my final signatures on monday. my last prelim paper is on monday.

after monday it'll be pure mugging until november 21st. and then prom, and then korea, and then ns.

A QUASAR FROM REALITY WITH DAMAGED MENTALITY

2008-09-19T23:32:00.001+08:00

one more maggot paper and prelims is done.

all that occupies my mind nowadays is physics, mathematics, chemistry, economics and english essays. 2 months and i've become a knowledge freak. i have just read through my sister's history textbook because i felt like starting on math tomorrow and not today. i should have taken history man, but then i wouldn't know what subject to replace. chemistry is easy, math is compulsory, physics is easy, english is compulsory and economics is my future. heh, and i wouldn't drop chinese b for the world.

i can just picture myself getting 41 for ib, and also picture myself missing the mark since the latter is so much more likely. i would kill myself if i missed 41 by like a grade or two.

communism is the worst thing that happened in chinese history. calling for democracy by demanding the removal of democratically elected leaders is amusing. also, wouldn't someone learn his lesson if he got convicted once for sodomy and it totally crippled his political career? milk that is not milk. the US just died in a year, and i find mccain funny because he said he isn't good at economics. i just wonder what the economic condition on the global front will be like in 30 years. that is the time when i'll probably be raising a kid or two. i think there won't be crude oil left and every country would possess nuclear weapons.

we have been poured out into a loveless bride

2008-09-17T19:14:00.003+08:00

2 more papers!

i can shift back to gear one for now.

studying in front of the tv works when i'm listening to:

as i lay dying
august burns red
parkway drive
house vs. hurricane
stone sour
slipknot
log

any other music and i can't concentrate, funny mixture for a productive time of learning. as i lay dying, august burns red and house vs hurricane are christian. actually i knew that ages ago but the fact just resurfaced like a novelty: metalcore christian bands exist.

and i realised corey taylor fronts slipknot AND stone sour. one with a mask and the other without.

heh.

i'm proud of my knowledge-thirsty self!

turn your back and run now you haven't got a chance now

2008-09-14T00:25:00.001+08:00

i'm surviving, 5 more papers!

are you ready for a change to come? there's already one already one

2008-09-06T12:17:00.003+08:00

the blue angels are the air demonstration squad for the us navy, they use the f-18 hornets! below is a video of the thunderbirds which is the us air force air demonstration squad they use the f-16 fighting falcon! both are great, though i would prefer the f-18. singapore don't have f-18s though, they are used as carrier-launched fighters and singapore don't have carriers. interesting to note, malaysia owns 8 f-18s -.- why am i not surprised.

exams in 2 days i feel the urgency! yesterday i was almost totally distracted by the tv and my sister's newly bought taiwanese dvd serial. 大S is super chio.

thunderbirds and blue angels

2008-09-03T11:28:00.003+08:00

manchester city got bought over by freakinrich middle eastern merchants. once again i doubt arsenal are going to win any trophies this season. however, i do have a feeling denilson is going to become the next flamini, or even better. too early to predict anything anyway.

prelims in 5 days. i'm not as ready as i envisioned myself to be a few weeks back, but i think i've made much progress. i'm almost there in every subject haha. i hope at least. right now, i don't want to make any predictions, cos the last time i did it backfired in my face. i don't want to look like a fool again, aim for 36 then get 26, best.

i became a fan of the usaf thunderbirds and the usn blue angels! omgosh check out their videos on youtube, just brilliant. i don't know why but i get fascinated easily by planes nowadays. i went with harrison to the rsaf open house last saturday, everything was super cool. i won a lucky draw to a ride for 2 on the C130 but i forgot to bring my wallet and ic so i had to forfeit my ride! i hated myself for a split second haha. you know, i can't remember how to fly a plane already. everything's so vague in my head, if i were thrust into a cockpit now i'll probably panic. heh. all the procedures and numbers have stayed dormant so long i need to wreck my brain to recall.

oh well, i won't be flying any time soon. not until after exams. every time i think of the big picture, i get so motivated to study hard, less i regret later on.

your body is a wonderland

2008-08-25T00:42:00.004+08:00

haha wonders of a dslr! thank you favourite for teaching me :D

olympics are finally over! no more distractions yea.

whoa i love this:

TOO WEAKS LEFT!

2008-08-22T00:09:00.003+08:00

EXAMS will be the death of me.

now i know f-5s make a left-handed circuit pattern around paya lebar airbase. they make such a roaring pleasant blast of a sound whenever they take-off and go around my block for circuits. andand i can see the runway behind the high greens from the top floor of my block! do you know that paya lebar's runway is as long as the two runways at changi? :D and the one at seletar is no where close. one day, probably after exams, i'm going to take photos of the f-5s and C130s doing circuits/taking-off/landing - from the 14th floor.

STUDYING is the death of me.

things accomplished lately:
read huckfinn in detail
read siddhartha again
read paddy clarke finally
drilled chemistry into my brain
listen to 12 stones
sing along to lie to me

i want to take stimulants!! and depressants at the same time, to keep me from worrying.

amine groups accept hydrogen ions in aqueous solutions, due to the electronegative attraction of its lone pair, forming a positive ion. weekeng says it forms NHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, like that makes sense.

michael phelps for 8!

2008-08-12T17:52:00.004+08:00

i'm amused by how a DSLR works, it's actually quite fun :D

which reminds me, if i do get the 5k my mum promised when i do well, i'd probably spend it on a mac and a camera. OR if i do extra well, which is highly unlikely (imagine 44, 45), i would keep the 5k and rely on scholarship funds to get my desires.

ok it's still abit early to think so far ahead. sometimes i dream too much, and stay at that, which is kind of problematic for a lazy person like me. heh.

yesterday, i was totally swept away by the american 4x100m freestyle relay team, oh my jason lezac totally stole the show away. he totally pawned the french world record holder for 100m free, that noob was complacent haha. i was half, actually no, more like totally supporting phelps in his bid for 8 gold medals. he seriously has to rely on trust for the relay events. there's still the 4x200m free and 4x100m medley. trust man.

saving abel and FM static is nice.

Stand clear she's the girl of the year
And there's no use in trying to get her off my mind
She stole my heart and she's tearin' it apart
It's never gonna be the same

i don't give a shit about shit

2008-08-10T23:52:00.003+08:00

i realise: doubt-induced change is a recurring thing. these come at unpredictable times, i never will know what is going to happen and thus can scarce prevent it. which makes me out as a fool, having my all being played like a tennis ball, from court to court and back.

strange, that it is mostly on my part; no extra body to induce value-conflicting thoughts in my mind. methinks when the human mind is all fair-weathered and settling down, there is no fighting an invading phenomena that stems from nowhere but the settled mind. that thing called doubt. i haven't thought of a way to block off wondering thoughts, that act as anchored roots for thriving doubt. i recall hearing from somewhere, can't remember where, just vaguely the phrase, that the mind is a person's only assured refuge and solace. yet, this solace can't protect itself from itself. because when the mechanism of wild thought starts, there's no stopping the impending danger. one moment i'm happy with the everything i have, the very next i question my happiness and count my possessions.

leave me be to my thoughts: on a couch, by the bed, in a train, and soon they'll start popping. those devious things that destroy. i hate them creatures. they make me change, and to feel different about the things i used to feel positive for. no sedative or drink is going to stop the continuous invasion, unless i sedate or drink myself to eternal sleep. that will do it, for sure. but that ain't right i know.

to that shit, i can think of no other solution than to be continually busy, such that merciless wild thought can never have a go. oh yes that sounds almost perfect.

not to mention, there's always a chance to recover from the damage of doubt. i think i'll call that renewal.

the earth, sky and doubt

2008-08-09T23:05:00.003+08:00

amorous love, the sky showed affection
to so darling a thing as earth.
that the smitten clouds looked to trees yonder
pouring rain, rushed hymns of marriage.

quick followed, induction of grand unite
between swift groom and rash bride.
brief the courting, in likeness copulate,
euphoria's season come and go.

so abrupt the brier stems, doubt nestles,
anchored fast into sky's thoughts thorn.
showers halt their descent, fertile transformed
barren land that shrubs thirst of sad.

deluge never arrived on starving soil
as creeper's outstretched arms to grasp,
dry windless non-existent air nutrients
from the late love of darling sky.

UNDER MY UMBRELLA ELLA ELLA EH EH EH

2008-08-04T21:00:00.003+08:00

WHEN THE SUN SHINES, WE'LL SHINE TOGETHER
TOLD YOU I'LL BE HERE FOREVER
SAID I'LL ALWAYS BE A FRIEND
TOOK AN OATH I'MA STICK IT OUT TILL THE END
NOW THAT IT'S RAINING MORE THAN EVER
KNOW THAT WE'LL STILL HAVE EACH OTHER

YOU CAN STAND UNDER MY UMBRELLA
YOU CAN STAND UNDER MY UMBRELLA
ELLA
ELLA
EH
EH
EH

under my umbrella ella ella eh eh eh
under my umbrella ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh

2008-08-02T15:27:00.001+08:00

i made a playlist yesterday in my x-fi. i named it 'slumber songs' and played the list to sleep :D

01. landing in london - 3 doors down
02. remembering sunday - all time low
03. in loving memory - alter bridge
04. boston - augustana
05. california - copeland
06. coffee - copeland
07. love affair - copeland
08. answering our prayers - dropping daylight
09. adieu - enter shikari
10. 1973 - james blunt
11. hear you me - jimmy eat world
12. closer - travis
13. amazing because it is - the almost
14. let it all out - relient k
15. be my escape (acoustic) - relient k
16. tell mary - meg & dia
17. tisbury lane - mae
18. everything - lifehouse
19. you & me - lifehouse
20. love hurts - incubus
21. dig - incubus
22. vacant - dream theater
23. one last breath - creed
24. the scientist - coldplay
25. fix you - coldplay
26. empty apartment - yellowcard
27. some will seek forgiveness, others escape - underoath
28. twenty-four - switchfoot
29. slipping away - sum 41
30. memory (acoustic) - sugarcult
31. lighthouse - the hush sound
32. body in a box - city and colour
33. my immortal - evanescence
34. nashville skyline - dishwalla
35. i'll keep your memory vague - finger eleven
36. consuming fire - hillsong united
37. numbness for sound - howie day
38. echo - trapt
39. this is our town - we the kings

leave it on shuffle and go to sleep!

back off, i'll take you on, headstrong to take on anyone

2008-07-31T00:28:00.004+08:00

things left in the way of 100% studying:
1) CAS file
2) IOC

a few months ago the list looked garganuanormously towering.

i think i changed my mind, literally.

i've got birds in my ears and a devil on my shoulder

2008-07-23T19:30:00.002+08:00

favourite song:

2nd favourite song:

CUTE IS WHAT WE AIM FOR :D

i'm glad my parents understand that i really want to do well for my exams in november.

2008-07-20T22:51:00.002+08:00

hey miss sobriety
do you remember me
or how to say my name?
do you remember when
we were friends
all the way back then?

I THINK I'M GOING TO DIE FROM THINKING TOO MUCH ABOUT THE POSSIBILITIES OF DEATH. ok it's not that bad, but when i actually try to do it, i just crumble and resign myself to try it again tomorrow. and tomorrow brings exactly the same problem, this way tomorrow never ever comes. i know this feeling of procrastination too well.

i probably won't be coming online as often nowadays. i feel guilty using the comp :/ at least i have my x-fi to keep me company, together with 'effective guide for a level physics' and world literature. i have to get used to this lifestyle of non-stop quest and absorption of knowledge. it is quite satisfying actually, in a completely different way from being totally lazy and playing comp all day. there are things i have to sacrifice though, and some things won't be dropped so easily.

one mans trash
is another mans treasure
(don’t you wonder why I even loved her?)
one mans pain
is another mans pleasure
(i need to find a way to do this over)

is anybody there answering our prayers, or did we do this to ourselves?

2008-07-14T22:44:00.002+08:00

ok i'm kind of sad now, but not sad to the extent of dire distress. i'm just worried. on the account that some people have access to the internet, i shall not say anything.

time to concentrate on what matters most now: studies! to say the least, the reality of my predicament finally hit me in the face. but it is all falling into perspective now. this opportunity for me to thrive, i shall finally grab it. it may be my only real chance left, everything of the future depends on this. really.

no more:
1) dota
2) comp games
3) excessive psp
4) excessive soccer
5) lazing around doing nothing
6) procrastination

that said, i love my new x-fi. redcliff tomorrow!

and I can't get you to sing along, so sit down and shut up or leave me

2008-07-13T23:53:00.003+08:00

the random play function re-ignited my love for dropping daylight. i favourited the whole brace yourself album.

their songs are not the usual lovey dovey, or the i hate everything gaa songs. it's the so-appeals-to-me-now type of songs, which brings in the more real and present human emotions rather than romantic notions that are so idealistic. which makes me wonder why they haven't become famous and release a new album. their songs are <3

i miss seeing you favourite :D oh and you've got to listen to dropping daylight, if you haven't already done so.

to the heights, to the heights, there is hope.. waiting

2008-07-11T21:24:00.003+08:00

i succumbed to the creative zen x-fi!

ah ok so i don't have enough space to put all my songs inside. and there's no scroll like the ipod, but it's twice lighter, twice smaller, has wifi, comes with ownage earphones and is aesthetically much more pleasing!

:D:D:D

oh and i got a pair of complimentary tickets to redcliff at gv. gay.

and we sang, 'here we go again'

2008-07-09T23:40:00.005+08:00

i'd fly a jet and kiss my girl.

every part of my body from waist down is aching.

FAVOURITE SUPERRECALLER :D

heh i spent the last hour watching flying videos on youtube. commercial airliners landing in crazy crosswind conditions, fighters engaging in simulated combat, aerobatics, low passes and sonic booms. way cool stuff :D

i try to see but I'M BLINDED BY THE WHITE LIGHT

2008-07-08T23:45:00.004+08:00

productivity mania to the max! (:

ok i feel super on. shiok i've got drive now, i really hope this lasts long. i planned out my escape plan already, escape school plan. its going to be really grand and not some sloppy shit. heh alliteration leh. oh my a rhyme. haha.

touching up my tok essay now. tomorrow i'll finish my world lit essay. after that i'll chiong my cas finish, prepare for ioc and study at the same time.

splendid brilliant awesomeness!

oh and i'm deciding between

this, and

this. i'm figuring out which one is more awesome. if both don't work out i don't mind flying an

apache (:

SORRY FAVOURITE/fav/fa/f FOR DAOING YOU :) ok la at least i got to do my tok.

this is not the greatest song in the world, no this is just a tribute

2008-07-07T22:31:00.004+08:00

EXAMS SUCK.

that said, i couldn't find a northrop f5 tiger model at toys r us! there was the f16 fighting falcon and the a-4 skyhawk, but there wasn't a single f5. NOO now i don't know what to give my flying instructor as a thank you gift, plus simultaneously getting him to sign my cas documents heh.

i'm thinking alot about what i'm going to do in the future now, as in career and tertiary education wise. you know getting a government scholarship and being a high flier sounds so attractive if i can actually pull it off.

the SAF Overseas Scholarship states that after ns i am fully subsidized for all course/enrolment fees + airfare + tuition fees + accommodation + allowance while i study in an overseas university, at the same time i would be drawing pay as an saf officer cadet trainee of around 2k a month during the entire duration of my studies. that sounds mega cool. seriously. and the minimum criteria is to get 40 for my ib exams, that sounds really do-able.

you know what i have to do, first stop thinking that anything prestigious and above me equates something impossible and thus not worthwhile to give a shot. well, that gets me all the time. i don't think i'll get it anyway so i might as well give up now. that happens all the time, and you know what everytime i look back i regret. well, at least this time i got my private pilot's license and a first in a very long time i felt a great sense of satisfaction.

i know i can study and do well, its just the mental strength i lack that actually pulls me away from doing what i need to do the most. and distractions keep popping out just when you thought you got over the last one, it always does :/ i need someone to keep me in check, someone i can see and touch, on top of the living God, that would really help me greatly.

anyway, i've thought about it and being a fighter pilot would be very satisfying. its a darn cool occupation please. haha, paid to do something i enjoy, i like that. of course i wouldn't mind being a rockstar, but i'll be a pilot first. now i just need to get the grades to get the scholarship and then pray to God i pass the pilot medical. the career guy i approached totally convinced me that i want to be a pilot haha, and he totally convinced me to buff up. while some people may disagree on me taking protein and calories to gain weight, i'm totally going to do it (with supervision and care).

so glad exams are over, yet i dread school starting all over again. gagaga. i <3 tenacious d and the greatest song in the world's tribute!

things to do: buff up, study, clear homework.

2008-06-21T19:05:00.003+08:00

revised aim for mid years:
econs 6
chem 6
math 4
physics 6
english 4
chinese 7
total 33

there's just not enough time to brush up my math now. so i'll just aim to pass. english is unpredictable as usual so i'll be optimistic. theres just too much i missed out this year to aim for 7s at the moment.

:/

on top of that my cas progress is not good. ok last post until the friday after the next.

TRUST in the Lord!

i've fallen down but i'll rise above this, rise above this

2008-06-17T23:42:00.004+08:00

top ten need to do list according to priority:

1) finish my cas file, tok, world lit
2) chiong finish physics
3) chiong finish chem
4) chiong finish math
5) chiong finish econs
6) try to do english
7) try to reach my target of 36 for mid years
8) buy new earphones
9) get a new guitar effects pedal
10) ipod?

predicted grade for midyears (current standard)
econs - 4
chem - 5
physics - 6
math - 2
english - 3
chinese - 7
grand total - 27

target grade for midyears (by sunday midnight)
econs - 6
chem - 6
physics - 7
math - 5
english - 5
chinese - 7
grand total - 36

GOGOGOO!

andand my brother has to stop watching naruto and playing dota on the other comp while i'm working!! die temptations!

i will carry a cross and a song where i don't belong

2008-06-12T19:56:00.003+08:00

top five favourite euro goals so far:

5) quaresma's tap in against the czech republic. oh my, 3 portugal players were played onside. and the best thing was ronaldo's unselfishness! for one i thought he'll go for it himself. oh and ronaldo's goal was nice too.

4) david villa's 2nd and 3rd against russia. i sure don't mind him coming to arsenal man. he already said he admires arsenal, wenger should just splash the big money. andand cesc should start for spain.

3) wesley sjneider against italy! to beat buffon like that is just pro.

2) podolski's 2nd goal against poland. heh, he sure showed klose how to smash a ball.

1) ibrahimovic's thunder smash against sweden, after a one-two with, um i can't remember who. pure skill, and it looks really nice too.

ONE MORE WEEK PLUS 3 DAYS TO THE END OF HOLIDAYS. my goodness, i'm starting to feel the pressure.

2008-06-11T02:21:00.003+08:00

i realised the pairing of torres and villa is imbalanced.

i'm happy, so happy :D oh and i loved kungfu panda.

.
..
...
....
.....
......
.......
........
.........
........
.......
......
.....
....
...
..
.

haha yea, i'm mighty bored. HEH.

what can wash away my sin?
nothing but the blood of jesus.

nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard

2008-06-08T23:39:00.013+08:00

i think i've discovered why i have drifted off tangent. i'm missing the anchor that once held mr john together. i have allowed myself to become a half-atheist for say 5 months now. over retreat i realised that hey, my decline in drive coincides perfectly with my decline in faith. i haven't really thought of it that way but during retreat it became pretty obvious. all of a sudden, i was in touch again. no wonder i always lacked strength, i had thrown the master of me into the backseat, and with no one to guide me i had become a lost sheep.

yesterday, i made a commitment: to once again believe in the one true owner of me. it made all the difference, i feel revitalized like a rush of blood to the head. even though i have a damn headache now, i think i'll feel so alive once it subsides. i feel happy again, like a genuine sense of happy. it's indescribable, the nature of this elation. how much i wanted to go to church today, but sickness bound me to my bed. i prayed! a genuine prayer (in such a long time) for strength.

i think i made the right decision to go to retreat. more so, i believe it was the holy spirit that guided me there.

and it's so amazing come to think of it, how my maker planted people beside me to cheer me on. people that make me smile and make me want to find that drive in life, instead of being a total bum :) heh a part of me wished retreat was longer. although sometimes things were awkward, fortunately my dilemma didn't turn up to haunt me. i wrote a 2 side letter yesterday night, but i just could not bring myself to deliver it so i ended up tearing it up and writing a new one. i think i'm being retarded.

right now, someone has my fourskin. that sounds strangely obscene heh. you know, i would have loved to stay up all night til dawn with you, doing nothing but stone. haha, but rules are rules. and, i'd do anything for a priceless replay of you being totally more gross than me :)

I <3 JESUS, this time i'm being totally honest :D

'Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.'
John 14:6

cover me

2008-06-02T23:27:00.005+08:00

today's another perfect day wasted, well not entirely, but almost.

at least i sorted out what i'm going to do over the next 3 weeks. one thing on my mind now, to go or not to go for youth retreat. well whether it would jeapordize my study time is one thing, because i actually think it'll be better for my studies since i won't be distracted by the computer. it's something else. well i guess i always shirk resposibility or avoid the problem when it gets too intense, whether it's with work or emotions. and that's problematic itself.

i read a letter on sunday, yesterday. and i realised i have been quite selfish. i want to tell you the truth but i haven't quite mustered the courage to. my first instinctive move was to avoid it totally, and what a jerk i realised i was. it didn't quite work the way i thought it would end up because i forgot that i'm not the only human being involved. i put myself in your shoe and i think i was overboard and you probably thought i was going through a crisis or something, but the truth is i'm not. and now, i'm going to stop being selfish and try to mend what has broken, in a non-cowardice way.

a moment ago, i was about to send kwan an sms to tell him that i wanted to go for retreat. then, i thought of the circumstances and situation and i hesitated. promptly followed by clearing the message and telling superrecaller i hesitated. oh my.

---

last week, i was talking to longlong (haha, or loooooooooong) about crushes and relationships. haha, and it's quite obvious someone is madly infatuated. i can remember the last time i was madly infatuated, and i don't want to talk about it hah. i don't know why, i used to want so much to be in a relationship. like its quite cool to have another half, and the status of being attached is so prestigious in a way. well at least that was what i thought. right now, i'm not so sure anymore. theres just so much more to a relationship, and i don't want to rush right into one. ya there you go, my take.

talking to chloe just now made me realise i'm heading into oblivion with my relationship with ____. i don't know i think i'm just not ready. and obviously laziness and indifference is such an irritant with respect to this :/ at least i know one thing now, there are people i can confide in. actually i always had, it was always a question of whether i wanted to open up anot. and sometimes it really is hard to tell someone about your problems, because being vulnerable is so not easy.

anyway, according to superrecaller i need to find drive in life. like something that will keep me going everytime i think of it. yea i need that really, i just need to discover what and who. no doubt thats going to take some brainstorming.

to go or not?

awakening

2008-05-25T16:44:00.005+08:00

when i close my eyes to this paradox place
i'll fly away, far away from here
i'll get away and dream, dream of you

when it's all said and done
and the night has come
i'll disappear, take flight on the wind of wishing you were here
fading light, like a star whose life has been gone for years

and I'll fly, fly across the sky
and I'll leave, i'll leave it all behind
if you'll be here, here with me tonight
i'll be fine, i'll be fine
i'll be fine
_________________________________

well i thought this song was appropriate. you'll be fine, just fine (:

andand i think this is the first in a long time i've put a title to my post. heh.

2008-05-23T02:26:00.002+08:00

i stayed over at paul's house to watch the champions league finals last night. well half of me already knew united would win the double, the other half rationalized that it was still possible chelsea could stop the champions. hoho, you know what, it kind of sucks to support a non-winning team. especially when i get taunted at, simply because the club i support doesn't win trophies. well hello out of 20 clubs there can only be 1 winner, and what's the point if everyone supports the richest and most popular english club.

ok i'm sad arsenal didn't win anything again. but then again, the reason i feel for arsenal is not because they are the best on paper. it is because i respect the manager's principles, respected henry and the old team of 03/04, and i admire the young players that now make up the club. well if i'm going to mourn and continually feel bad about being an arsenal supporter, can you imagine what derby supporters are going through? heh. arsenal FTW.

anyway, today's the last day of term 2, and i'm freaking glad it is. yea although its 3 am now and i'm still doing work.

2008-05-19T14:42:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I run, but I'm not afraid.
Why must you bring up all mistakes that I've made?
She makes me smile, then you come around.
The wind in her hair reflects the sunset I see.

You make it seem like it was yesterday.
But we've come a long way out of the rain.
Can't seem to figure out what happens after this.
Why can't I?

Why must you say I made a mess out of things?
I won't believe it.
Tonight feels right like I'm dancing on air.
I'll make it right, I'll make it right.
Pull over to the station and fill up on fuel.
And what will I do?

Sometimes I drive or ride with my eyes closed tight
because if the skyline looks this way then I don't want to sleep tonight.
Never giving up, always seeking light,
we must always try, try with all our might.

i love mae yellowcard daphne loves derby switchfoot copeland <3

2008-05-17T10:09:00.001+08:00

It's okay to be angry and never let go
It only gets harder the more that you know
When you get lonely if no one's around
You know that I'll catch you when you're falling down
We came together but you left alone
And I know how it feels to walk out on your own
Maybe someday I will see you again
And you'll look me in my eyes and call me your friend

Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay, and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay

2008-05-10T14:30:00.002+08:00

i want them now! an epiphone les paul custom and a korg AX5G. i hope i'm not buying on impulse :/

2008-04-27T23:00:00.002+08:00

haha i like this conversation (:

going to get my license soon. VERY SOOOON!

2008-04-23T23:44:00.002+08:00

oh my i'm feeling emotional right now. it's almost a year since my first flight on the sixth of may, that day i flew an air familiarisation flight with ng ct. yesterday i flew my entire fht (final handling test) profile with ng ct, and he was the same joking person i flew with a year ago. maybe abit more joking now. i'm damn freaking glad i freaking passed my freaking FHT. haha! full pass somemore. it was literally the most intense four and a half hours of my life.

FREEDOM AND LIBERATION <3

ok i'm tired of blogging already. plus i don't know how to express my exceedingly abundant joy in words. bye.

2008-04-20T22:22:00.001+08:00

crunch time. STRESSS.

2008-04-13T21:03:00.001+08:00

i haven't been this scared
in a long time
and i'm so unprepared
so here's your valentine
bouquet of clumsy words
a simple melody
this world's an ugly place
but you're so beautiful..

i like blink 182 songs, they make me happy when i'm sad.

2008-04-09T22:58:00.002+08:00

haha i <3 my new phone. in two weeks i'll be a certified pilot!

2008-04-07T23:06:00.002+08:00

black hole sun
won't you come
and wash away the rain

i've changed much since graduating from secondary school. it's quite significant actually, now that certain issues have altered my racial stances and i no longer can be considered neutral.

hanging around the same people everyday really affected my original values, and while i admit that i am enlightened on certain outlooks toward treating others, i have no idea whether i've changed for the better. too often already, i've been judging books by their covers, and i've realised this because it's beginning to create conflicts between the values i treasure and inevitably i've been put on the spot where i have to make a choice.

right now, i'm still deliberating my stance. i think i have to stop being a hypocrite. i cannot be a jerk anymore.

2008-04-02T18:47:00.004+08:00

i had my tok presentation on monday. i dropped dead when i reached home and missed dinner. yesterday i dropped dead when i reached home and i missed dinner again.

today i had personal math remedial 3 on 1 with mr tan, which was uber helpful since now i understand what's going on with statistics. although i'm feeling very tired now, i won't drop dead.

saturday i went to st nicks funfair! there instead of fun o rama since acjc is so far away, even though it's just beside my school lol. everything was at sky-rocket prices, but i guess it's normal for a funfair. exclude the prices and the lack of activities to do without money, everything else was fun (:

2008-03-28T20:38:00.000+08:00

math portfolio is finally OVER!

2008-03-22T12:08:00.007+08:00

Chaos brings order.
Who will you allow to lead you blindly until the end?
You're like a little girl with a stupid crush.
We all sing glory.
We all choke ourselves with our own ignorance.
There is so much more to life than your stupid desires.
Nothing is everything, and everything is something.
Confused? Troubled?
Finding the meaning is looking through the vivid transparencies.
Dance the night away because tomorrow,
we will look back and talk about good times now gone forever.
Trace lines around the image of your choice.
Dance until the end, my friend, and find joy in every living thing.
Optimism is not a choice, it's a belief.

Barbarian by August Burns Red.

i'm scared of being vulnerable.

now who isn't? i remember vividly the catalyst, how i was concentrating on work when i was placed in an unnecessary emotional situation/choice. i wasn't ready for that, girl, and that made me realise things: how far we've gone, what you were and what i didn't want. i think it scared me somehow. most of all i couldn't continue sustaining what i didn't want, it was beginning to tire.

i'm glad time did it's job. i couldn't think of any other way. i'm so sorry.

link, time to move on.

2008-03-20T01:27:00.005+08:00

ok so i didn't regret catching step up 2. oh my she's my new love for a week. happy birthday pyung!

2008-03-13T20:39:00.002+08:00

all the raining's killing me. at this rate i don't think i'm going to get my license by march. nope don't think so.

tuesday i went to gary's house at night to play guitar hero 2 and 3! then halfway i turned red from the cyder and everyone kept insisting i was drunk when i was perfectly sober. just red and nursing a headache. i think i woke up the next morning with a headache also, plus i had to fly. then the rain had to go ruin it.

yesterday afternoon i played soccer at the cage with the usual gang plus a few others. it was pouring throughout the two hours. after that it continued raining, we went to eat at a hawker centre nearby at the same time waiting for the rain to cease. we waited and talked, waited and talked but it kept pouring :/ so we braved the cold rain to the oh-so-far-away bus stop. have i mentioned my shoes were totally soaked! now they stink. fortunately for wednesday's issue of today and half of paul's umbrella, the rest of my body was kept relatively dry.

i think i've realised new objectives for myself during the break period. motives that will last.

and and, i did not evaporate!

2008-03-05T18:42:00.002+08:00

underoath sounds so much like copeland in this song, with exception to the screaming which gave it away. i was listening to underoath on my player when i stumbled upon this song during shuffle, and i thought i accidentally put copeland in the underoath folder. wow man, this song.

anyway, i have alot of deadlines to meet. most urgent one is to complete my pilot license course by the end of march, which at this rate looks like it ain't going my way. then i have my extended essay to hand up. tok essay draft and mock tok presentation :/ physics ia 4, econs ia 3 and 4. bleah. plus i have to have to have to catch up on everything during the week break starting in two days.

my comp crashed yesterday, because i was trying to download a key generator for harrison's call of duty 4. i think i downloaded a virus by accident and everything just crashed and the comp was unwilling to start in normal mode. so i reformatted the harddrive :/

it rained today evening so i didn't get to fly.

2008-02-28T22:46:00.002+08:00

oh my, i seriously nearly teared on this one.

21.7 million hits.

anyway, i finally completed groundschool! :D

Radiotelephony 88%
Airlaw 87%
Human Performance and Limitations 95%
Aircraft Rating 84%
Meteorology 90%
Navigation 80%

2008-02-25T22:12:00.002+08:00

'To see him in such pain and the shape of his leg was very difficult,' said Wenger.

Francesc Fabregas could not bear to look at the broken bone that pierced through Eduardo's sock, Aleksandr Hleb walked to the half-way line with his face buried in his hands, while Emmanuel Adebayor fell to his knees.

At the final, whistle, Gallas sat down on the pitch on the brink of tears, getting up only when Wenger approached him.

i don't know why i feel so bad.

2008-02-24T21:03:00.002+08:00

maybe God is giving me a sign, to start bucking up. 3 times in a week, i got screwed for being too slack. once, i nearly teared, trying hard not to display any sort of emotion, just silently accepting whatever is thrown at me. it is so true, though, i'm one of a kind.

i'm amazed how others can be so ambitious and take charge of their lives, driving it in the intended direction. i suck at that. opinionless and clueless, that sums up me. i've thought over for awhile and realised that this, is the period of transition from teenager to adult. i've got to start trying to be mature and responsible. that sounds like a mountain of a task :/

2008-02-21T21:11:00.002+08:00

i will forever remember this day, charles broke the window.

WAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA RAWWWWWRRRRRRRR

ok jokes aside, i think he probably feels sufficiently depressed now. anyway, i have no idea what he was thinking he could smash the ball like me. as usual his precise accuracy did not find the target. this time instead finding the weakest point of the class glass window (the middle). how accurate (and unlucky) can you get. when i saw the damn glass shatter and the shards flying 5 storeys down, i was like 'OHHH MYYY GAWWW..' and, how word spreads like wildfire, it took just one period and the whole level knew about the incident. everyone peering through the door to get a glipse of the queerly-shaped void left in the tinted glass.

well enough about charles. i hope he eventually decides not to play soccer forever.

i had fun today at the street court, i play better on concrete than on turf :/ and smaller playfields are funner than larger ones. at least for a staminaless person like me. and and, i like scoring stunning goals, like chesting a loose ball and follow up with a driving left-footed volley into the right far post :D:D:D oh and i think i like playing on the same side as paul too. school without soccer is as dull as economics lessons. ya, that bad.

oh weeell, i have been feeling alot of stuff lately. not elaborate, i will. because some things are meant to be kept for myself. silent joy, anger, sadness. i like that, most of the time.

i haven't been this scared in a long time
and i'm so unprepared so here's your valentine
bouquet of clumsy words, a simple melody
this world's an ugly place,
but you're so beautiful to me

2008-02-17T22:15:00.002+08:00

<3

i'm going to get a new phone!

2008-02-13T23:45:00.002+08:00

foo says:
eh
foo says:
you free now
harry 你的身影这么近我却抱不到 says:
y?
foo says:
want to play
harry 你的身影这么近我却抱不到 says:
nah
harry 你的身影这么近我却抱不到 says:
got hist
foo says:
for a short while only
harry 你的身影这么近我却抱不到 says:
nahhh
foo says:
really very short
harry 你的身影这么近我却抱不到 says:
i nid to finish tonite
foo says:
really very very short
harry 你的身影这么近我却抱不到 says:
?
harry 你的身影这么近我却抱不到 says:
dota
harry 你的身影这么近我却抱不到 says:
?
foo says:
non
foo says:
can awhile only
foo says:
lets play
foo says:
DotX
harry 你的身影这么近我却抱不到 says:
...
foo says:
i start
foo says:
'xiaoxiang very slow leh'
foo says:
ok your turn
harry 你的身影这么近我却抱不到 says:
fuck off
harry 你的身影这么近我却抱不到 says:
cb
foo says:
yea you win!
harry 你的身影这么近我却抱不到 says:
yea
harry 你的身影这么近我却抱不到 says:
ownage
foo says:
you successfully defended X
harry 你的身影这么近我却抱不到 says:
imma kick ur tree of life tmr
harry 你的身影这么近我却抱不到 says:
^^

LOL. i want to know my hidden superpower (: