ponder

this is going to be one of those really long entries that i really seldom write. oh wait, i haven't written any long entries before. anyway, the year's coming to an end, and this is probably the last time i'm blogging until next year. so this is kinda like the blog entry to sum up all blog entries. here i go.

i've been thinking about the past year, the closing curtain. did i make a fool out of myself on stage, or was there the standing ovation. seriously pondering about it, i messed up my perfectly orderly life. i screwed up. what was i thinking.

sloth. thats what they called it at youth camp. slack, lazy, pig. anything at all. come to think of it, sloth really makes up a big part of my life. a big shameful part. to think i wasn't ashamed of it the whole time, even feeling proud of it. damn. its those times where you stare at the undone homework, only to wonder onto the couch and sneak a nap. i hate it. i regret it, seriously.

if time could reverse, undo the year. the mistakes. i would gladly take the stage again. i would prepare the script and make sure everything goes orderly. if. if only.

sadly, i've lived a life of deceit. how many more do i want to cheat. of their feelings, trust, love. this false front i'm putting on, it sure is convincing, cos everyone seems to be buying it. my true self seems a distant object, unworthy of surfacing. i'm afraid of rejection, who isn't? but then again, how many people have i rejected. i betrayed their feelings, trust, love. and you call me human.

i'm so sorry. to those who had had expectations of me. my parents, my teachers, my friends. i let you down. my behavior, how i let myself down the slippery slope. it just dropped. i didn't bother trying. not even an inch. you sloth.

then i think of God. the alpha and omega. the great I Am. am i worthy to be at his feet, enter his kingdom. i have my doubts. this past year, my walk with Him seems so distant. i want to be with Him, yet i feel unworthiness. the things i've done, the sins i've committed, i dare not even mention. would he forgive me. time and time again, i let Him down. i tried to fight the temptations, but they just keep coming at me. keep coming.

youth camp really opened my heart. i spent time on my knees, humbly, at his feet. seeking forgiveness. mercy. i want to lead a life like Jesus. the humble servant king, his self-sacrificial love. help me Lord.

i will relish this one chance he has given me. the year ahead will not be a repeat of what already has happened. the irreversible. i pray for strength and wisdom. for love and courage. to face the difficult. and face it like you do. if the world finally collapses, at least i have you. you loved me and will forever continue to. if there was nothing i could give to you in return, nothing at all, i'll say this one thing. i love you too.