nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard
i think i've discovered why i have drifted off tangent. i'm missing the anchor that once held mr john together. i have allowed myself to become a half-atheist for say 5 months now. over retreat i realised that hey, my decline in drive coincides perfectly with my decline in faith. i haven't really thought of it that way but during retreat it became pretty obvious. all of a sudden, i was in touch again. no wonder i always lacked strength, i had thrown the master of me into the backseat, and with no one to guide me i had become a lost sheep.
yesterday, i made a commitment: to once again believe in the one true owner of me. it made all the difference, i feel revitalized like a rush of blood to the head. even though i have a damn headache now, i think i'll feel so alive once it subsides. i feel happy again, like a genuine sense of happy. it's indescribable, the nature of this elation. how much i wanted to go to church today, but sickness bound me to my bed. i prayed! a genuine prayer (in such a long time) for strength.
i think i made the right decision to go to retreat. more so, i believe it was the holy spirit that guided me there.
and it's so amazing come to think of it, how my maker planted people beside me to cheer me on. people that make me smile and make me want to find that drive in life, instead of being a total bum :) heh a part of me wished retreat was longer. although sometimes things were awkward, fortunately my dilemma didn't turn up to haunt me. i wrote a 2 side letter yesterday night, but i just could not bring myself to deliver it so i ended up tearing it up and writing a new one. i think i'm being retarded.
right now, someone has my fourskin. that sounds strangely obscene heh. you know, i would have loved to stay up all night til dawn with you, doing nothing but stone. haha, but rules are rules. and, i'd do anything for a priceless replay of you being totally more gross than me :)
I <3 JESUS, this time i'm being totally honest :D
'Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.'
John 14:6
yesterday, i made a commitment: to once again believe in the one true owner of me. it made all the difference, i feel revitalized like a rush of blood to the head. even though i have a damn headache now, i think i'll feel so alive once it subsides. i feel happy again, like a genuine sense of happy. it's indescribable, the nature of this elation. how much i wanted to go to church today, but sickness bound me to my bed. i prayed! a genuine prayer (in such a long time) for strength.
i think i made the right decision to go to retreat. more so, i believe it was the holy spirit that guided me there.
and it's so amazing come to think of it, how my maker planted people beside me to cheer me on. people that make me smile and make me want to find that drive in life, instead of being a total bum :) heh a part of me wished retreat was longer. although sometimes things were awkward, fortunately my dilemma didn't turn up to haunt me. i wrote a 2 side letter yesterday night, but i just could not bring myself to deliver it so i ended up tearing it up and writing a new one. i think i'm being retarded.
right now, someone has my fourskin. that sounds strangely obscene heh. you know, i would have loved to stay up all night til dawn with you, doing nothing but stone. haha, but rules are rules. and, i'd do anything for a priceless replay of you being totally more gross than me :)
I <3 JESUS, this time i'm being totally honest :D
'Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.'
John 14:6
posted by John at
11:39 PM
2 Comments:
Jesus <3 you too John, I will pray for you ;)
"mummy why the panda so fat/sad"
that kid is sooooo cute!:D
and I am still inclined to think that he said sad rather than fat hee
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