i don't give a shit about shit

i realise: doubt-induced change is a recurring thing. these come at unpredictable times, i never will know what is going to happen and thus can scarce prevent it. which makes me out as a fool, having my all being played like a tennis ball, from court to court and back.

strange, that it is mostly on my part; no extra body to induce value-conflicting thoughts in my mind. methinks when the human mind is all fair-weathered and settling down, there is no fighting an invading phenomena that stems from nowhere but the settled mind. that thing called doubt. i haven't thought of a way to block off wondering thoughts, that act as anchored roots for thriving doubt. i recall hearing from somewhere, can't remember where, just vaguely the phrase, that the mind is a person's only assured refuge and solace. yet, this solace can't protect itself from itself. because when the mechanism of wild thought starts, there's no stopping the impending danger. one moment i'm happy with the everything i have, the very next i question my happiness and count my possessions.

leave me be to my thoughts: on a couch, by the bed, in a train, and soon they'll start popping. those devious things that destroy. i hate them creatures. they make me change, and to feel different about the things i used to feel positive for. no sedative or drink is going to stop the continuous invasion, unless i sedate or drink myself to eternal sleep. that will do it, for sure. but that ain't right i know.

to that shit, i can think of no other solution than to be continually busy, such that merciless wild thought can never have a go. oh yes that sounds almost perfect.

not to mention, there's always a chance to recover from the damage of doubt. i think i'll call that renewal.