rise above this

today's sunday, so after tomorrow's funeral and burial life will officially change. tuesday, i'll be heading to safti mi to delta wing at ocs in the morning. somehow i'm totally unprepared. a week ago i was all worried over my posting because of my dismal ippt results, then on sunday everything changed. my mental focus and thoughts shifted. all of a sudden my life was to crumble and ambition made way for grief and fear.

now i'm fine because i have come to accept the plain but harsh reality that mum's gone. but on monday, i was breaking down totally. looking at her lying down, suffering, taking such weak gasps of oxygen, i wanted to suffer in her place because she didn't deserve such torment.

why now?

i always tried to control strong emotions, but it was too much for me to bear. i can't remember the last time i cried so much. i don't think i will cry so much ever again. so many wild thoughts crept into my head. my children will never get to see their grandmother, chinese new year will be spent without mum, she will never see me graduate and i wouldn't have the chance of giving her a portion of my first pay. and you know, i'm only 19 now, not even an adult or earning wages. my brothers are 15. its worse because i actually think so much of the consequent life ahead.

i'm still a kid.

immediately, i turned to God. i prayed so much, for a miracle perhaps. even though the doctor already pronounced her impending departure. by tuesday, my prayers turned to allowing mummy to leave painless and peacefully. still i could not believe the turn of events. just last week i was happy from passing out of tekong, thinking about scholarships, university applications and whether i can get into the coveted ocs. i hanged out with friends, played comp, doing everything except spend time with her. and now i regret so much really, i never gave her the due care she deserved. instead she was the one always showering abundant love on me. she would always call to ask whether i needed a lift home from pasir ris when i booked out, asking about my day or week. i will remember the way she smiled when i showed her my ib result slip and platoon best recruit plaque.

its ironic because just last year i was a total bum and a constant worry for my parents. i failed my exams for the first time. gosh. just when i realised my folly and turned around, doing my best in everything, she had to be taken away. the achievements that will come further down the road, the fruits of her tireless labour, she will not get to enjoy. on this mortal earth.

i guess the sole and greatest consolation from this fateful event, is that she has gone to heaven to meet the Lord. and i have a change of motivation in life. i suddenly want to do well, but not for myself anymore, instead for mum who won't see me through the rest of my life. and dad who now has the task of managing the entire family on his own. the thought of her being by the side of our Lord God almighty comforts me.

for those concerned, i'm really ok already. thursday morning i resolved the conflicts within myself and i feel more peaceful now. after monday, i will be going into ocs for a three week confinement, which promises alot of hellish action, but i will be driven, you can count on that.

I'll mend myself before it gets me
I'll mend myself before it gets me

Call your name every day when I seem so helpless
I've fallen down, and I'll rise above this, rise above this doubt



in the Lord i trust.