old promises

which reminds me, if i do get the 5k my mum promised when i do well, i'd probably spend it on a mac and a camera. OR if i do extra well, which is highly unlikely (imagine 44, 45), i would keep the 5k and rely on scholarship funds to get my desires.

.. from 12th august '08, more than a year back. i was so motivated then. by the adrenaline of wanting to excel, by incentives, and finally the strong urge to prove my worth. i eventually did just that.

looking back, i never did get that incentive. i never got the chance.

she was so happy when i became a pilot, and when i finally got my diploma. she was also delighted when i got my platoon best. i like it when she smiled. even as i type this, i feel a strong sense of injustice towards her. do i just move ahead like that? life resumes, but things have changed so so so much. i can't even explain how much has changed.

moving along. to forget and put behind. she doesn't deserve this does she. i'm stuck here wondering, what could have been. how things would be like now had the coin toss gone the other way. tears grip me, they do sometimes, quite uncontrollably. but in doing this, i feel human again. to mourn to cry to vent my emotions against the four walls. and maybe when she see's me like that, she'll know i still miss her and she'll smile because i miss her. don't want her to see us moving along just fine, she'd get the wrong idea.

whenever i'm reminded of this whole predicament, life seems like an eternity, a slow and long eternity. it really sucks sometimes and i wonder whether my family feels the same. how i wish she was here to comfort me and perhaps drop me a kiss. i'd love that. its almost cruel, almost unfair, whoever tossed me into adulthood just like that. i'm already earning my keep, but for whom? i don't want to keep everything to myself, i really don't. there's just no meaning in that. none i can conceptualize. maybe i used to think material possessions were everything that keeps me going, right now that view has never been so wrong.

dad was happy when i finished with best knowledge, he was happy when i got the scholarship. you know, from the bottom of my deformed heart i hope he'll continue to be happy. i hope he'll continue to be able to be happy. i really don't know how i'll take things should anything else happen. please don't let anything happen to anyone else. life is already hard as it is.





i miss you so much mummy.