uncanny, strange deja vu but I don't mind- I hope to find the truth

i played dota yesterday, the first time in a very very very long time. surprisingly, i haven't lost touch. after orienting myself to the hotkeys and know-hows, and asking paul about the recipes for certain items, i felt familiar to dota again. haha. contrastingly, charles, who has been playing ever so often, has maintained his ever so noob skills. it is super frustrating playing with charles on your team. he makes zero contribution, and always comes up with the same excuses for a piss poor performance post-game.

anyway prelims are finally over! while it is the end of prelims, there's no time for a break, just a breather. it feels so strange. this feeling, it's like there isn't anything to study anymore. although i know there is so much more to do if i want to achieve my objective. there's little i can do with chem and physics now, so i'd probably shift all my time to finishing up the unknowns of math. i really hope i get as high as possible for chem and physics prelims this time round, madam carol low will go nuts because i jumped so many grades at once, and for once i'm in her good books.

i had a strange deja vu. it feels so familiar this suppressing sort of feeling cum struggle thing. i was lucky to escape monday with a relatively easy math paper, at least i felt it was. it is kind of hard to concentrate on one thing when another is filled in your head. actually it is really hard. i think dota session cleared my mind because my mental activity is back to normal.

i don't understand it though, not entirely. the mind is complex shit.

maybe i've changed. not character wise, but you know just my mannerisms and priorities. i realise i have turned fairly detached from human relations, but so has everyone else at school. maybe i was being insensitive, or my natural sense of selective sensitivity failed me then, or i wasn't thinking properly.

whatever the cause, things have become familiar again this dire feeling of i-don't-know-what-to-do. i have a feeling, a feeling because i have no concrete plans, that i will employ the same tactics i used to. i have done this so many times. indecisive people tend to be like this, i know i am this type and as much as i want to be an adult i lack the credibility of responsibility and effective decision making. this things can't be trained into people, it comes with experience from growing up, thats what seperates an adult and an adolescent right.

reputation is a retarded thing, and as much as i want to play life like i play dota: restart after each conclusion, it can't be done.

tomorrow i'm off to my cousin's for help on vectors and functions because i need it.

you know, achieving a high grade is my biggest ambition at the moment, i's what i'm mugging my ass off for. if i mug and drop so far from it, i'd feel like shit because it tells me one thing: i suck, blatantly. there's no point spending so much time on books if i'm not absorbing anything.

last thing: i changed my braces today back to the original colour blue! its going to hurt for a day or two, my pretty dentist said i'll be able to attach the brace cap onto my awkward upper incisor next session which chances to be a few days before ib exams. i hope it doesn't affect my performance during the exam period because i know its definitely going to hurt.