what is 19?

19 is the space in between adolescence and adulthood, is the transition between innocence to wisdom.

optimistically speaking, it stands for gradual independence and liberation from rules that we've rightfully and finally outgrown from. it represents years of tireless effort and commitment finally bearing fruit. it is the time parents ease up on the tension, and 19 years of sheltering and provision slowly slips from their tired hands. growing up is alleviating burden from our elders. it is the beginning of a journey of self discovery and actualisation. long due dreams become more tangible. everything seems to be moving in the right direction: forward. good of course.

on the other hand. the inexperience resulting from being new, alien and very much curious causes so much frustration. success, as we soon discover, does not happen on every first try. self discovery brings about the realisation of weaknesses, inadequacies and eventually ego-crippling self-doubt. being halfway out of the safety of shelter, part of our body is exposed to the good and also the extreme misery of freedom. mind wrecking decisions, emotional issues, physiological needs make up the bulk of the problem. we suddenly realise the shelter was a good place, but reality will only allow us to move in one direction: out. it is like forgetting to bring an umbrella out with you into the pouring rain, and turning back to find the door bolted and locked. we can wonder around in the compounds of the porch and naively wait out, but we can never truly return. until we finally create another shelter of our own, the rain will continue to pour and the wind will continue to howl. all that is preserving our skin is perserverence and God's grace.

circumstances also have a direct influence on the transition experience. i only wish my circumstances could have been better. 19 in general, wasn't a good year for me.

19, and i feel regrettably liberated.