Thursday, October 29

adam&eve

i realise i may come across as an enigma sometimes because i hide many thoughts and feelings. but this time i'm going to give a brutally honest update of my sad existence. as of now that is, it wasn't this way in the past.

memories are hard to erase, but memory-invoking thought can be nullified with preoccupation.

i think i'm screwing my life up preoccupying myself with vices. it works but i'm functioning like an animal on drugs. i am moved by instinct rather than rationale. now i can't stop the addiction. ok i can, but my lack of discipline and steel is my downfall.

now that i'm back in ocs part time, i realise my stamina and strength have deteriorated alot. especially with no one to force me into working those abs and biceps, and with all the alcohol cumulating in my tummy, i feel like shit now when i run long distance. i am far from my prime just a few months ago.

all of a sudden, life seems to be heading downslope again. now there's one more person to visit when we travel to lim chu kang lawn cemetery. death is such a sad thing. cancer is worse. this period is one sad period, who could have predicted this was coming just last year when everything was perfect. life is freaking unfair, the thought comes inevitably right, why me? i seriously think losing a loved one is the hardest thing in the world to get over. i haven't thought of a possible replacement.

i understand its just part and parcel of life, and i can either blame it on bad luck and timing, or bad fate. what i really wanted was for everyone to live and die of old age. it is not to be.

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i've been questioning my faith and beliefs as of late. i've been asking myself 'do i really believe?' i'm feeling sorry for trying to seek discrepancies in the bible, but some things just seem so ridiculous. a casual talk with weihao today made me feel increasingly skeptical. maybe i should consult people who know things, but i feel insecure. zZz.

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someone's super dao, damn obvious, but i'm guilty too, in a way. its not that hard to pick up hints on a person's intentions. oh well i'm a useless uninventive guy too screwed up to do anything about it.

i'm glad bestie in boston remembers me (: goofy you, i'm not your papa or your pimp. it just sounds damn wrong. haha and your suggestion of spending your holidays clubbing or pubbing with me is just not you. thanks for your blog post anyway, haha. makes me feel important even when i can be really distracted and disillusioned. email soon.

"The fact is that people are good, Give people affection and security, and they will give affection and be secure in their feelings and their behavior."
-Abraham Maslow

1 Comments:

Blogger HIL said...

I promise I haven't changed. Pubbing (not clubbing) is just one of those things that people must experience once in their life you know... and I figured I would go with my papa so that he'll protect me. HAHA.

There are so many people in this world that care about you and hate to see you be anything other than happy. Not to say that you can't be not happy, but it's just heartbreaking to see you sad and feel like I can't do anything.

<3 your awesome bestie

3:15 PM  

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