adam&eve

i realise i may come across as an enigma sometimes because i hide many thoughts and feelings. but this time i'm going to give a brutally honest update of my sad existence. as of now that is, it wasn't this way in the past.

memories are hard to erase, but memory-invoking thought can be nullified with preoccupation.

i think i'm screwing my life up preoccupying myself with vices. it works but i'm functioning like an animal on drugs. i am moved by instinct rather than rationale. now i can't stop the addiction. ok i can, but my lack of discipline and steel is my downfall.

now that i'm back in ocs part time, i realise my stamina and strength have deteriorated alot. especially with no one to force me into working those abs and biceps, and with all the alcohol cumulating in my tummy, i feel like shit now when i run long distance. i am far from my prime just a few months ago.

all of a sudden, life seems to be heading downslope again. now there's one more person to visit when we travel to lim chu kang lawn cemetery. death is such a sad thing. cancer is worse. this period is one sad period, who could have predicted this was coming just last year when everything was perfect. life is freaking unfair, the thought comes inevitably right, why me? i seriously think losing a loved one is the hardest thing in the world to get over. i haven't thought of a possible replacement.

i understand its just part and parcel of life, and i can either blame it on bad luck and timing, or bad fate. what i really wanted was for everyone to live and die of old age. it is not to be.

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i've been questioning my faith and beliefs as of late. i've been asking myself 'do i really believe?' i'm feeling sorry for trying to seek discrepancies in the bible, but some things just seem so ridiculous. a casual talk with weihao today made me feel increasingly skeptical. maybe i should consult people who know things, but i feel insecure. zZz.

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someone's super dao, damn obvious, but i'm guilty too, in a way. its not that hard to pick up hints on a person's intentions. oh well i'm a useless uninventive guy too screwed up to do anything about it.

i'm glad bestie in boston remembers me (: goofy you, i'm not your papa or your pimp. it just sounds damn wrong. haha and your suggestion of spending your holidays clubbing or pubbing with me is just not you. thanks for your blog post anyway, haha. makes me feel important even when i can be really distracted and disillusioned. email soon.

"The fact is that people are good, Give people affection and security, and they will give affection and be secure in their feelings and their behavior."
-Abraham Maslow

impending d

she couldn't even muster the strength to wave or say goodbye.

a narcissist by nature

we experience no typhoon, earthquake or tsunami. no civil unrest, border tension or threat of war. no oppression against race, ethnicity or religion. we even enjoy free education, freely available potable tap water and a sturdy shelter over our heads.

this island could have been a quake zone, a sucker for floods and typhoons or a communist state, but it is not. still, people are not happy.

they complain about the exorbitant salaries of the 'elite', self-perceived titles they give to the individuals who possess foresight far beyond theirs and a heart for the community few can emulate. they simply cannot comprehend the bigger picture. disregarding hard work and effort, to focus on the things that matter to them: money.

sure, there are examples of grim and grime in our society that have not been stamped out. that is inevitable, ain't it? singapore is not utopia, as is every other country in the damned world. you can't say we haven't tried moving forward, because we definitely have, and so fast so that 2 generations down and no one knows real suffering. you can't blame the leaders because they have done a far better job than anyone of us ever could. the safe streets and social harmony, surely these didn't create themselves.

they read about the misfortunes of others everyday in so many different places, and still find the mood to complain about a teenager's poor diction and criminal record. living comfortably and stylishly is priority, en mass death and hardship is foreign and thus of no concern.

the problem with society and men, is that we are inherently selfish to the very core. we look out for ourselves first, then maybe others later on. so what exactly is the problem with placing ourselves in the leadership of men who actually care? yes they earn millions, but its not like they spend their riches indulging themselves in milk baths, model girlfriends young enough to be their granddaughters or personal wealth investments. truth be told, they don't even have the luxury of time.

in the meantime, it is also the same 'elite' that have sent aid to our disaster struck neighbour, as they have done before. do people actually remember things like these?

while i continue to struggle to find my place, i just hope people will slow down and stop thinking solely for themselves once in awhile. give thanks and be grateful for peace, and the ability to enjoy comforts many others don't.

~

the past week, pyung left for the great uk. to an extent, i envy. but then to go there without financial aid, uk you know, is almost too exhausting on my father's part. i wouldn't be studying and spending in peace.

we had drinks together for the last possible time, and the night was eventful as it was regretful. nostalgic nonetheless, i miss school and hanging out with the old friends. nowadays, we're all caught up in our own spheres of influence, venturing into new untried things. to each his own i guess. i'm probably the most disciplined one now, i actually signed on to the armed forces! look back and i just feel the immense irony. once tagged the slackest guy on earth, to the extent that having exams the next day wouldn't prevent me from playing comp throughout the night. it took a 'last in class' and 'only failure in class' to buck me up. failing was a blessing in disguise.

tomorrow is my last day at mindef until december. back to ocs i go. i have to be the most senior service term cadet EVER.