novelty

two flowers on the pale floor
splattered red, not fresh
nearly stale.

not long ago they were plucked
hand-picked, by fate
or chance perhaps.

entwined in opportunity's vase, petals feel the
crisp novelty, of togetherness
though so brittle.

time soon crashes into novelty's glass
weathered, so cruelly by the tempest
of doubt and satiation.

gusts tip the unfortunate vase
shattering, assorted shards
of subtle disdain.

two flowers on the pale floor
splattered grey, not fresh
reeking cold death.

the neighbours said she moved away,
funny how it rained all day.
i didn't think much of it then
but it's starting to all make sense.
oh, i can see now that all of these clouds
are following me in my desperate endeavor
to find my whoever, whoever she may be.






whoever, whoever she may be.

maybe that's why i've considered enlisting for the air force :)

i just played one of those really long dota games and i'm beat now. we had to resort to bd to end the game fast.

i'm planning for life after obtaining my flying license so.. i joined symphonic band! i'm going to learn to play the clarinet yay.

and, we owned anglo-olympics captains ball today. 5.11 and 6.11! we nearly won, but had to give up first-place to a violent team with 3 china scholars taller than 190. yea we had fun.

it was hot, stuffy and required a high workload. flying low-level today was a rather demanding novelty. hey but guess what, i feel more at peace after flying. at least i have something material to occupy and fascinate my mind for a couple of hours.

funny how temperature and wind affect flight so much. somehow i was glad that the crosswinds were stronger today, i really had to focus when getting the plane down safely. i listened to my instructor's lecture on auto-braking system in cars and how they prevent the car from skidding, linking it to plane skids. i kind of enjoyed the thrill of skidding on runways, though they were brief and unplanned. i do know mishandling a skid may be potentially lethal. and hey i'd like to share about plane ballooning and bouncing, but work beckons.

there, i successfully distracted myself from distractions. i have to get things in order soon: impersonal then personal.

the last thing i wanted was a distraction, and for half an hour i stared blankly at the screen thinking how the hell do i continue with my ee? it didn't help that cobra starship was playing in the background, neither the fact that everything else was pin-drop silent.

school fucking freaking sucks.

somehow i love flying in the rain amidst the smear of grey. splashes of non-colour distorting my view. yet i feel rather safe as if this is my shield from the scorching heat and briers of civil existence. oh how i detest the sun that drains and takes. oh how i loathe complexity.

the rain today was rather heavy. highlighting how travelling without an umbrella is rather cumbersome. the thunder along with blinding displays of lightning at such close range can cause shivers sometimes. especially when it takes you by surprise.

oh well,

i love flying in the rain.

lol, i don't use facebook :D

i realised it's nice to share the same music interests with someone. the last time i had one it was a few years back. back then we would send each other music and get so excited about songs and lyrics. and the music we listened to just made the experience all the more gratifying. sometimes it was just her, i and music.

somehow that just faded, just like how songs speak of parting lovers and forgotten memories.

i still haven't finished my ee. oh and guess what, acs in the headlines! the seniors did so well, i mean more than half got 40+, wth? maybe the actual ib exams are easier than the ones set by acs. ha and i got a 7 for chinese. anyway, now that the standards are set, i think i want 40+ too. can you imagine getting a 45, every university in the world will want you. good food for thought. ok back to ee.

i'd be hanging on their words
like they almost meant a thing
in the only lullaby i heard,
their sirens blaring, singing me to sleep
holding my loved one tight..

on the softness of her laugh,
i could almost make my bed
but the racket of her absence joined
the sirens blaring ringing in my head
holding nothing tight,
holding nothing tight
with my eyes so wide

she'd be hanging on my words
like i almost meant a thing
and i'd give anything not to let her down
to finally sleep through just one noisy night
holding her so tight, holding her so tight
but my eyes are wide

in a house without a back door
i was looking for a fire escape
and i'll be ripping up the floorboards
just trying to get away
from this sleeplessness
sleeplessness, sleeplessness

cos my mind just can't stop moving
and i think i know why
oh, i know why
it's sad

but i'm a sucker for a kind word
and i'll just hurt until i find one
and i'll just hurt until i find one

and i've been trying all the windows
and i've been running up the staircase
in a house without a backdoor

sleeplessness, sleeplessness, sleeplessness
in a house without a backdoor
i was looking for a fire escape
and i'd be ripping up the floorboards
just trying to get away..

it seems everything in life is going against me at the moment.

to start things off, the slackest guy on earth got the most enthusiastic ee teacher on earth for his extended essay. ee has been my primary concern since christmas and it still is. you know it's not easy to come up with a four thousand word essay when i haven't touched a book since the final exams last year. and it's not like i have been totally bumming around. i have dedicated time to do ee, it's just that every time i sit down at the comp, i feel so stuck and clueless i never actually put pen on paper. i have no idea why i have this respecting fear for my ee teacher, it's like i don't want to disappoint her and also not want to get scolded. she is so serious about her work.

other than ee, i still have tok essay, tok presentation, chem ia, econs ia to complete. but i kinda resolved to finish ee first then worry about the rest. ib sucks.

school's not the only problem. i have been feeling really lethargic lately, my ability to stay awake all night has somehow diminished. that doesn't help my ee at all. just last night i nearly collapsed in front of my comp, i really would have just died there so i switched off the comp and went to sleep. i have to mention i slept through the whole hour of econs today.

mind over matter. how true is that. i am so distracted these days, just by mere thought. and recently there have been so many things to think about. the things revolving around me have been numerous. and because of that, i have trouble at night. most times i find it so easy to doze off and nap, yet it seems the hardest place to fall asleep is in bed at night. my eyes may be closed but it's a mess up there, i try my best to fall asleep by shutting out all thoughts, but they always seem to find a way to trickle back into my mind against my will. it gets so irritating i blame the plastic rotation of fan blades and even tossing and turning around doesn't help. you know, i may look spaced out, but seriously i am very aware. yet at the same time, i'm trying very hard to be this super nice guy who doesn't feel sad and make people feel sad. i never wanted to hurt anyone, and i won't, to the best of my abilities. i ever asked myself, why do i think so much? if only i were dimwitted or something, maybe i won't have issues then. i need a blessing in disguise.

i fought You for so long
i should have let You in
oh how we regret those things we do
and all i was trying to do was save my own skin
but so were You

so were You

today, i woke up at five. snoozed, bathed and changed. struggled abit to find my badge and tie. grabbed a pen and stuffed it in my church bag and brought it to school. arrived in school at six twenty-five, first person in my class there grabbed the class keys from the front office opened the class and slept til seven fifteen.

we did virtually nothing today.

slept through entire chapel.

and as usual people made a big deal out of the messages in my handphone, it's called inventing stories.

i'm so relieved i managed to convince my ee teacher to extend the deadline. but still, four days isn't a long time.

while i'm chionging my ee now, i realise there actually are things to look forward to this new year:

1) my private pilot's license
2) arsenal winning the epl, uefa champions league, fa and league cups :D
3) obtaining a driver's license
4) i want a motorcycle license too
5) completing IB
6) YF Camp 08

the above mentioned are the material things. about friendships and relationships, i only pray i will grow closer to the friends i have now. well i did grow closer to some during the course of the year, and some really close ones have slowly distanced themselves. it is sad not to notice the distance we have drifted apart until it actually occurs to the extent of being strangers once again. thus, it is important that i treasure every single good friend in my possession now <3

i have a feeling that when school starts, i will develop this strong detest for school life. once again it's the time to adapt.

i realise we are opposites with nothing in common, except maybe in One. do i really want this?

_____________________________________

haha guess what i found in my mail later on in the afternoon today, a 'lost' friend found again :D

Heyhey,

I realized that I haven't talked to you in an awfully long time and I do miss talking to you! A lot a lot. I feel so outdated in the sense that I don't even know what's been going on with you and stuff. And I do realize that I want to get back into the circle of things and I hope that we can talk like we did last year and this year before I went to Berklee. So an update from me your dear bestie. I hope you haven't forgotten me :D

I really really don't know how much you know or not so I'm just going to start from the top. Okay, so I'm going back to Berklee in the Spring. Which is Jan. Jan 16th, I hope I see all you guys before I leave. I'm going back to the snow and I'm going to live with people that I don't know (roommates) to save rent, and all those weird stuff. Hopefully I won't get too weird roommates who do drugs and stuff. Ha yeah. When you guys come and study at Berklee then we can rent a whole apartment and it becomes a FOURcast apartment. It's a long haul but it'll be really fun. :) That is, after your NS and all that so yeah. Haha. So I'm still trying to decide what major to take, but I'm heading towards Music Production & Engineering and Film Scoring. Double majors yeh. MP&E's really hard to get into, 3.8GPA, interviews and portfolio and all that stuff, so I've been working on my portfolio ever since I've been back. Writing a lot of instrumental music and stuff, which is where I got the idea of Film Scoring because as we all know just a little bit of music can bring your emotions to such a different place and I want to be the one composing and nailing that emotion for film. Pretty cool but we'll see if I have the aptitude for it.

So why I decided to write this e-mail was because I was reading through old e-mails a couple of nights ago and I found e-mails from 2005 when I was in Australia for my cousin's 21st birthday and you e-mailed me everyday and it kept me so so so so happy. And you were talking about conferences and all that kind of stuff. Yeah and I just wanted to bring that back and hopefully we can keep this bestie thing through even though I will be halfway around the world next year.

I'm going to Japan tomorrow but I'll be back on 23rd so we should meet for Christmas or something okay. I actually have gifts for you guys from Berklee but I forgot to bring it in September so it's going to be your Christmas present now. :D

Take care and I'll talk to you soon.

Your bestie,
Hil

_____________________________________

HILARY

I'm so so so so sorry I just read this mail. It's dated 13th December, and I was at camp at that time! And and this is the first time I'm looking in my mailbox since forever. I think you probably were wondering whether I was ignoring you, I wasn't! I'm so sorry! Crap I'm such a wet blanket, I should have checked my mail earlier :S

Plus we had this chat on msn a few days ago, and I remember asking you when you were leaving and stuff. Looking at it now, I kinda feel embarrassed and guilty because I really had no idea what was going on in your life :( I guess with you in Berklee, hundreds of miles away from home, we have to put in effort to keep in touch, if not we would soon be strangers, right? and NO I haven't forgotten you, it'd take a million years HA.

I'm really glad you've found something you love to do in the form of music. I'm pretty much the opposite since I have no idea what I'm going to do in uni, or the near future. My life's a mess now and I'm trying to rush school work before school starts again :/ Have i mentioned before, I think I'm sick of IB, now and then I would have this thoughts and I would suddenly be surged with a strong sense of regret. Haha remember earlier in 07 I tried to apply into SA, I think I feel more strongly against IB than I did then. Yes that bad. Oh well, I recall a friend saying recently 'Life's unfair, so suck it up!', I'm going to have a tough time sucking it up. That is also why, I'm going to so misssss the holidays man.

Anyway enough with whining. Other than irritating school, I think everything has been going on well. I'm going to get my pilot's license soon! Probably in march or april tops. I still have lets see 3 theory papers to sit for and a practical test they call FHT (Final Handling Test), before the wait is over! Haha then I'd be eligible to fly passengers and maybe one day I might give you a ride lol. Flying, like guitaring has become much like a passion. One of the few that a slacker like me has, oh slacking's a passion too xD Oh but I mentioned my motion sickness problem the other day to you right? That gave me quite a scare since it potentially might have ended my flying career thoughts. Hmm oh well fortunately it eventually turned out fine.

Recently I was part of the organizing committee for my church's youth camp, haha that was when you sent me this email. Planning and executing the camp kept me the slacker busy, so I can say at least I did not totally waste away my holidays like I always have :D You know what, I think this letter cheered me up from my post-holiday blues mood. Thank youuu. I don't know how to explain this but it kinda is a coincidence, because yesterday I was just thinking about the friendships I've made and 'lost' the past year and I thought of ours. I guess this is the chance to 'start again' haha.

Once again, thank you for the mail. It's the thought that counts :D

<3 your bestie
johny

ps. I hope you haven't gotten yourself an accent :D