supermassive black hole

i'm really slacking now. my eyes twitch and my body itches, wanting to go through intensive regimentation. i think i miss army.

stay out. i don't even have to stay in camp now. i'm posted to Air Force Training Command (AFTC), formerly known as Air Force School. i'm a cadet awaiting course, so basically i sit around and read book, lean against wall, surf internet, play itouch. i'll be doing this for an indefinite amount of time, ranging from 1 month to 4 months. man, i'm imagining the NSFs who want to be in my shoes now..

in all honesty, i am not enjoying this, as great as it sounds. first, i don't get to go brunei. i have to go through another round of physical conditioning in order to go brunei in the future. all my course mates and friends are going to commission earlier than me. have i mentioned this is not the first time my progression has been delayed :/

and if worse comes to worst, my medical review should fail, i'm going to have a permanent down pes. no more officership, pilot career, regular pay. i'll probably become air force clerk, 8 to 530. thats hard to swallow.

i miss hawk coy, delta wing, air wing.

hilary left already. it was so brief. i'll remember the SLR, the old man who composed great chorale pieces and cabbing many many times -smile-

glaciers melting in the dead of night
and the superstar's sucked into the

supermassive black hole

dire

because people are so focused on their shortcomings, they fail to realise their strengths and become the great people they can be.

that is one thing i uncovered over the weekend. i was trying to explain to myself the reasons behind my insecurities and i wondered and wandered, suddenly i struck what i thought was gold. it seemed true enough, i'm too caught up in my flaws. i'm afraid that people will judge me, scrutinize my all and find that one thing that makes john a puny fry. flaws, weaknesses, character loopholes. i thought only of that, where did my strengths go?

if i had any. then my mind explored the foreign territory of john's strengths. i hadn't thought much of those in a long time. really, when was the last time i was proud of anything. before march? before that timely unfortunate event that broke my heartstrings. i've become a different person ever since. i'm more closed up. i want to depend on myself. family became so important. isolation seemed ok, until my heart tugged at my mind to find companionship. i don't really like loneliness, as i doubt anyone would. but loneliness is like a plague that refuses to leave me. maybe i haven't tried hard enough. i love my family, but it seems with the fragile nature of life and death, nothing is permanent. i want more close friends who i can count on beside my family, but such things don't appear in the blink of an eye. i have to treasure the numbered few. i have to.

i sidetrack too much. strengths? i can um do math and science. i used to play the piano and guitar often. i used to fly too. i've got a license to fly a plane. i have average leadership qualities. i'm a pragmatic thinker. i took higher mother tongue? i did fairly well for my exams. i can sometimes read people's mind.

that's all i can come up with. oh well i guess that's a start, to focus on my strengths more. if i continue to dwell in my shortcomings, the only direction i'll be moving is backwards. the weaknesses list is endless and will grow if i persist.

but to pen something down and to actually stand up and act on it. they are two different things. to tell myself to try and to finally try. there's a substantial lapse in confidence and discipline that i often find lacking. mr john is lazy and afraid, mostly afraid. actually, just afraid.

i look at the days ahead. sometimes they look uncertain, sometimes they look agonizingly long. sometimes i think of the good that will come, and the good that may come. i smile on occasions and frown on others. i cannot be sure what is installed for me. will i screw up more than i make right decisions? have i already made the wrong decision? these are the questions that poke at me every other moment. coupled with my overly self-conscious thoughts, i think i think too much. however as i've come to accept it, that's just me. plainly, over-thinking john.

and i've also discovered, i proclaim that much but really my dependence on the divine is minimal. like i've said many times, i want to have that ideal relationship with God, but again saying and acting are different things. amidst life and its many distractions, i'm still caught up in between saying and acting: thinking. that's probably it.

i've run out of thoughts, and i can't believe i'm blogging when i could be replying emails, studying or doing whatever nonsense constructive thing.