rise above this

today's sunday, so after tomorrow's funeral and burial life will officially change. tuesday, i'll be heading to safti mi to delta wing at ocs in the morning. somehow i'm totally unprepared. a week ago i was all worried over my posting because of my dismal ippt results, then on sunday everything changed. my mental focus and thoughts shifted. all of a sudden my life was to crumble and ambition made way for grief and fear.

now i'm fine because i have come to accept the plain but harsh reality that mum's gone. but on monday, i was breaking down totally. looking at her lying down, suffering, taking such weak gasps of oxygen, i wanted to suffer in her place because she didn't deserve such torment.

why now?

i always tried to control strong emotions, but it was too much for me to bear. i can't remember the last time i cried so much. i don't think i will cry so much ever again. so many wild thoughts crept into my head. my children will never get to see their grandmother, chinese new year will be spent without mum, she will never see me graduate and i wouldn't have the chance of giving her a portion of my first pay. and you know, i'm only 19 now, not even an adult or earning wages. my brothers are 15. its worse because i actually think so much of the consequent life ahead.

i'm still a kid.

immediately, i turned to God. i prayed so much, for a miracle perhaps. even though the doctor already pronounced her impending departure. by tuesday, my prayers turned to allowing mummy to leave painless and peacefully. still i could not believe the turn of events. just last week i was happy from passing out of tekong, thinking about scholarships, university applications and whether i can get into the coveted ocs. i hanged out with friends, played comp, doing everything except spend time with her. and now i regret so much really, i never gave her the due care she deserved. instead she was the one always showering abundant love on me. she would always call to ask whether i needed a lift home from pasir ris when i booked out, asking about my day or week. i will remember the way she smiled when i showed her my ib result slip and platoon best recruit plaque.

its ironic because just last year i was a total bum and a constant worry for my parents. i failed my exams for the first time. gosh. just when i realised my folly and turned around, doing my best in everything, she had to be taken away. the achievements that will come further down the road, the fruits of her tireless labour, she will not get to enjoy. on this mortal earth.

i guess the sole and greatest consolation from this fateful event, is that she has gone to heaven to meet the Lord. and i have a change of motivation in life. i suddenly want to do well, but not for myself anymore, instead for mum who won't see me through the rest of my life. and dad who now has the task of managing the entire family on his own. the thought of her being by the side of our Lord God almighty comforts me.

for those concerned, i'm really ok already. thursday morning i resolved the conflicts within myself and i feel more peaceful now. after monday, i will be going into ocs for a three week confinement, which promises alot of hellish action, but i will be driven, you can count on that.

I'll mend myself before it gets me
I'll mend myself before it gets me

Call your name every day when I seem so helpless
I've fallen down, and I'll rise above this, rise above this doubt



in the Lord i trust.

the long week is finally over. i seek closure and a good rest. before you know it i'm rushed back into the army life and confinement.

i feel helpless.

am i just going to stay and watch, when watching seems to be the hardest thing on earth. i can't do anything. and my eyes, sore from tearing. i haven't teared in a long time, and so much at once. why, why is this happening? i just cannot place the idea of being left so early in my life, so early, i am still but nineteen.

now all my achievements seem like nothing, i would willingly trade everything away. just so that i can help.

i want to be holy again, maybe that will help. my sins are catching up to me, someone else is paying for them. are you listening to my pleas?

in days my life will crumble, and i'm putting on a false front. that will soon crumble too. i tried to enjoy today, but it failed. i'm sick, in many ways.

i'm an emotional wreck.

re-education (through labor)

yesterday i stared at the tv so long, everything started swaying. i thought it was the tv producing swaying images, then i stared at a wall portrait and that was swirling too, like a mirage. i saw many brilliant goals yesterday, torres slotting the ball into the only spot which would have resulted in a goal. dossena's goal out of nowhere and arshavin's mercurial solo effort. all i wish now is for arsenal to get 4th spot. man utd would probably win the league.

i wish i had my own laptop, which supports crysis at max graphics, then everyday will be a bright one and my life will not be dull.

if only someone would command me, then life could be purposeful. i'm definitely not ready to take charge of my life man. being in school, bmt, where schedules are followed, i follow and i feel good when the day ends and i've learnt new things, had good conversations. when i'm out and on my own, i'm a wandering nomad. roaming the explored lands of my home seeking the same purposeful experiences and all i find is the computer and its many wonders.

someone save me please. maybe i should pick up my rusty guitar again, the one hidden in the closet, probably grey now. i have no idea whether my amp still works. and blogging has become rather dull, and expressing my emotions has turned chore-ish. anyway some opinions and emotions, actually most opinions i'd rather not and don't say. because i'd prefer not to offend people. i'm wondering now, is there anyone out there who thinks and acts like me, cos many times i think i've found the one, but i always get it wrong.

i try to be able to talk to everyone, which has proven to be rather smooth running in tekong. i won't say its being people pleasing, just that i'd rather be flexible and not stick to cliques. and i can speak in different wavelengths, throw me chinese and i'll give you conversational chinese, throw me swear words and i'll throw ten back haha. just don't get on my nerves, cos when i hate people, nice person mode off. i can be very cunning and manipulative if i have the motivation to.

right now, i feel the best option for me is to upgrade myself. i need a physical upgrade, and um give me a hair growth upgrade. plus that girlfriend attachment, that will boost my hp and mp regeneration. i wonder what's gotten into me. anyway, posting is next friday i think, i do hope i get into ocs.

POP loh

and it ended on a high, 24km through the night, no sleep, and then the final parade as a recruit. finally we're out of tekong.

i'm finally a private, as lowly as it sounds, i'm a trained soldier! heh and i graduated as platoon best recruit of my platoon. my only regret is not getting that ippt silver which would have greatly boosted my chances of getting into ocs.

now that i'm on 10 days block leave, i have so many things in my mind to do.