fell past a cheekbone hill to a piece of her floor. the hope of the world in an awkward spill. oh she'd lie on her bed and stare into harsh white light. and think that her heart's not right. 'cause love took her hand like a thief, took her heart like a robber and the feelings that scare her become her relief.

just let me run where I want to run, just let me love who I want.

in a flash a heart is slain. you have to ask in all this pain: was your heart too soft? was your love in vain? was your kiss too weak? were your eyes too tight? and much too young to be in love.

just let me run where I want to run, just let me love who I want.

there are no rules for this love. just keep your head and don't give up. like all the fools who play it smart, lose your head just for your heart.

just for your heart...

i cut a small slit across my fingers today. no it wasn't deliberate, just in case some might be thinking i'm harbouring any suicidal tendencies. i was peeling apples when it happened and the cut wouldn't stop bleeding for ten minutes. it is really pain when you run water over an open wound, seriously. the initial wave of discomfort is the worst because you aren't expecting it so quickly and it comes with such a large magnitude.

it's okay now though. today i'm probably going to be sleeping really late. i have a chem test which is scheduled next week forwarded to tomorrow. econs IA has to be handed up latest tomorrow and i have my first sortie tomorrow too. oh and i just recalled that the remainder of napfa is on tomorrow too. gosh.

controversy - the effective crowd bait.

when you have no idea how to get attention when you desperately crave for it, try committing a senseless act that draws nothing but unwanted scrutiny. of course, you probably thrive under scrutiny considering how you possess the guts to even commit an act so absurd. on the other hand, your goal is met. you got the stares you wanted, the gossips-behind-your-back and your ego is satisfied, or is it? nevermind the chaos created, pretend you didn't see how hurt someone became after you gave your comments, you're living in your own world where the population is singular, what else can be expected. their opinions don't matter, in fact you assume their opinions tally with yours. how naive, or is it deliberate? this stingy act of self-preservation disgusts them. you have no idea, at least that's what they think. your masterplan is full proof, self-interest is protected and your future is bright. nothing will stop you, no amount of criticism and encouragement will waver your determination to do what you have already set out to complete. not even your friends, or are they really?

with that ego, at least be convincing when you're insincere. the smile you get in return may hide a knife that's ready to shred skin where blubber has formed. they are praying for the day you fall. that will never happen though, your plan is full proof.

lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones,
i will try to fix you.

chinese lessons are fun, although the subject itself may be a bore. the best thing that can happen (well that's what i feel at the moment) to a schooling chinese person, is to get a funny chinese teacher. cheers for mr ng! his chinese jokes are kinda dry, maybe because we can't possibly comprehend jokes in a relatively alien language. however, his stories are nice and he's slack (which is the best part). oh just love chinese lessons.

on the other hand, my most dreaded lesson is ToK because of.. its not hard to guess.

thinking too much, and reading too much into a situation has become a habit that i can't ditch. like i mentioned before, thinking requires alot of energy that my fats can scarce provide, if i have any fats that is. oh, and i realised i quite enjoy physic practicals, i have no idea why. especially when i'm so anti-homework/work.

c&c 3 is addictive stuff, like any other game on my computer, not to mention internet hearts. haha. its fun to shoot the moon so many times in one game. i could get used to life without school, then i'll be stuck at home 24/7 on the computer, provided my parents are not around 24/7.

life is great at the moment, except for the occassional mishaps, everything is good in general. good music, good friends, good music. if this could continue forever, it'll be good..

i never realised how much i wanted the top award until my heart started beating real fast. now that the results are out, i'm happy beyond words can tell.

i remember exactly two years back. while they screamed and cheered when they attained the gold, we kept silent. pretended to be happy when the heart clearly ached. time healed wounds and since then, i have long forgotten the feeling of nervous anticipation.

last night, i couldn't possibly guess the emotions i would experience today. i'm happy beyond words :) that's going down my resume and stored permanently on memory lane.

Gold with Honours, ACS(I) IB Guitar Orchestra, SYF 2007.

syf is tomorrow. darn, i'm not about to get all emo and say how time passes really fast and syf is just around the corner. no i'm not.

i realise how technically established the guitar ensemble is, yet at the same time we display minimal dynamics. comparatively, in the local scene, i think we have technically the best teenage guitarists around. seriously. hmm somehow i feel mr gaspar is slacking (like the way i do, honestly). sometimes i think, when mr gaspar asks us to play without the conductor, and he closes his eyes to 'meditate on the music', he really is just sleeping :D he's been acting weird recently also, in a funny way though. haha in fact i think he's a really nice person. mr baraj too.

right now, i'm trying to memorise my pieces, especially double violin concerto in d mimor with its long runs. hmm i'm going to save the cheers for tomorrow, at least i still feel like a part patriot, all the best acs.

will you come back?
its all she wants to know,
she knows she's part of the problem too.
will she let it go?
it'll take a miracle,
so that's what i'm praying for.

gaa me and emo songs just became a couple.

There's plenty of time left tonight
I promised I'd have you home before daylight
We do the best we can in a small town
Act like big city kids when the sun goes down

If it's not too late for coffee
I'll be at your place in ten
We'll hit that all night diner
And then we'll see

There's so many things I have to say
I'll stay up all night to hear about your day
We do the best we can in a small town
Act like kids in love when the sun goes down

If it's not too late for coffee
I'll be at your place in ten
We'll hit that all night diner
And then we'll see

There's a love that transcends
All that we've known of ourselves
And I'll wait for it to come
I'll wait for it to come
Well it's got to be strong to touch my heart
Through its shell
And I'll wait for it to come
I'll wait for it to come

If it's not too late for coffee
I'll be at your place in ten
We'll hit that all night diner
And then we'll see

There's a love that transcends
All that we've known of ourselves
And I'll wait for it to come
I'll wait for it to come
Well it's got to be strong to touch my heart
Through its shell
And I'll wait for it to come
I'll wait for it to come down

just love copeland. and coffee of course.

i've decided to blog now, lest be distracted in the middle of doing my economics IA.

rachel and alethia dropped by acs today, and i still have no idea why. apparently rachel had to go to the nearest police post (which happens to be near acs) to change her identity, according to her. haha whatever that means. why are people in uni so free, tertiary education is slack (relatively). that means i can't wait to go to uni :D

well that would be all, unless of course someone else blogs and i promised the person i would blog the exact same amount of words back :D

life is great. time for ECONS IA.

i'm still awake. i found the elusive webpage! after dozens of failed attempts to blog search, diaryland search and google search, finally with the help of a hint hint i found it. haha. i have no idea why i spent so much time on searching rather than on my IA. some person should have just given me the url right from the start :D

but it doesn't matter now. in fact the difficulty of the ordeal made the achievement all the more sweeter.

looking at the digital time on the taskbar is making my upstairs dizzy. the temptation of rest is too much to bear, and i'm still here, blogging instead of completing my IA (which i have kinda concluded that i can't finish by tonight). thus i have made up my mind to sleep after this. either way, i am going to be sleeping throughout the HLs tommorow, and the worse thing is that i haven't done ANY work tonight.

guitar practise today was an exchange with sji, plmg and ijtp guitar ensembles. and i realised that we are no big deal after all. with all the techniques and control mastered, a lack of flair and enthusiasm won't get us nowhere. hmm, i guess the complacency has been induced and left untouched too long to mend now. the motivation level of the ensemble presently is err, not very presentable. sigh, to stay or not?

i shall answer that question another day.

physics is not quite generic. contrary to my physics teacher's claims that the subject is all about fun, laughter, peace and joy, i think majority of the class would be sharing my thoughts. physics is not one of the subjects that can be mugged into a distinction. in fact, i think it would be the subject that requires the most amount of analytical processing out of the other subjects offered at secondary level (i'm taking ib as secondary education, is it not?) who needs to wreck his brains out for chinese anyway? i'd say physics is definitely tougher than maths. stunning stuff, as mr low likes to put it. you stun i stun the whole world stun. i realise stunning and generic don't actually go together. what irony. i can't stand this feeling of helplessness! i think i need a better physics teacher, especially one who wouldn't shrug of questions as generic stuff.

i am so going to fail physics at this rate.

am i ready to be burnt in the passion of pure desires, or do i wade in the waters of nonchalance and indifference yet appear to be racing on (how on earth?), or.. i could totally chill out and wait, in wherever this place void of zest calls me.

i think, its so much easier to waste your life away then to actually sit down, plan, and execute something substantial enough not to be counted as wasting your life away. they say passion is the driving force in life, for without purpose what then are goals, aims and ambitions. its not difficult for the average human, blessed with the ability of thought, to speculate where those null of passion might end up. i can scarcely imagine myself in that plight, although i can safely say i'm in need of drive. i cannot define exactly what keeps me going, since i lack passion there must be something else that is preventing me from a gradual mental decay. This is why i darn dislike ToK lessons (apart from the teacher), especially when we discuss the undefinable things in reality. what is reality? gosh. sometimes its good food for thought, but why go over it again and again and well, again.

that reminds me of the fact that i am still, a puny, insignificant, non-adult student. a lousy one at that. school pressure is really hitting me, seeing people know stuff that i don't know really irritates me. somehow. maybe i'll make that my momentary passion: beating people (as in not physically). that'll keep me moving for awhile.

to be hot, cold, or lukewarm?

i think i've cooled down. i vaguely recall the dozen times i've screamed and exploded. gosh its been two months since i last blogged. now looking at it, two months [written down] isn't such a long haul. however, this past two months seem like ages. as in seriosly looong. why is it only term two and not 2008?

since i turned into a post-secondary student, i have found myself to be constantly plagued by thoughts of why this and not that and why me. i think i've spent hours thinking when work could be done. W=Fs, now that i reflect on it thinking didn't get me anywhere because i scarcely move. not to mention thinking requires effort that can only be recuperated by sleeping. is this a phase in my life likened to puberty where darn lots of naive and so immature thoughts flood the mind? if there was a term for this i'd call it the pre-adulthood blues. gosh, the life of an adult is so complex, whereas being a student there are so many fixed factors and oh so little variables. maybe thats why i didn't think so much before..

i can't remember exactly when it started, but blasting heavy stuff within the confines of my room has become a routine. i think two months ago would be a safe guess. i have been finding peace through the sophisticated syncopation and loudness of various death tunes. on hindsight, that was the only way i could have stopped thinking so much. i didn't enjoy the music so much as the lyrics or the contents, it was more for the passive ability to barricade all thoughts. what i need now is motivation and super strong coffee. i would only be slack if i feel like sleeping all the time. i still can't understand how some people can wake up at four in the morning sleep at ten at night and still feel energetic the whole duration between!

life is unpredictable. cliche yes but i have to mention it nonetheless. one minute someone's your best of pals, another later he hates you to the core. all my years, i've been trained passively to avoid being hated somehow. i've never had someone detest me so much, i'm trying to recall ever having an enemy yet alone an arch-one. gosh, that guy is so inexplainable i don't know whether his mind is too dense or too shallow. gaaaaaa, sometimes i wish i could hit him so hard on the head so that he'd become normal like everyone else. talking to him is like lighting a match near flammable gas. i don't usually like to hate talk someone but i'm really frustrated and bewildered by his simple/complex?! mind. someone please lend me a knife..

grrh. i have to go maybe i'd blog somemore tomorrow.